He screamed at me. Loud. Angry. Incessant. All in my ear. Ringing and vibrating at the tiny bones that allowed me to hear, up until this moment, perfectly. Actually, it sounded like the voice in my head. I didn't know if I was hearing me or him. Obscenities, insults, threats, a tone of utter disappointment and shame. Every last bit of it meant to sway me. To sway me away from my own instincts, and into his. Cold and cruel. That's how J got when he was disappointed in you.
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I had disappointed him tonight. I didn't give it one second of thought, not one. It was like blinking or breathing. It's an instinct, something you don't even think about. It's something that just drives you in a type of autopilot. I didn't choose it, it chose me. Before I even acknowledged J's screams, I had acted. I became the doctor. A doctor saves lives. So before I even realized it, I had saved Jason's life.
The second I knew he was going to make it, I left. I left before Jason could remember me saving him. I felt myself riding that familiar high. The doctor high of playing God and saving lives. J got his high from taking lives. I got mine by saving lives. But the common link between the two was simple. Power. He had his, and I had mine, and neither of us could understand the others. But J's power came with more than mine. It was fuller and truer. I wanted his power.
And as much as I wanted to be like J, I knew I wasn't exactly ready. It took a lifetime for J to create the Joker. His mold was carved from every pain, loss, and despair he had ever known. While Jason and I might immitate him, we would never know his thoughts or his heart. Those were things one couldn't grasp without experiencing. Jason was proof that it takes more than a year of study to be the Joker. I wasn't ready for his power. Yet.
I sat in the back seat as J's clowns drove me back to Freeze's lab. As my high plateau, my surroundings began coming back. My senses return and the things I heard started to surface. My mind struggles to make sense of the words. Angry. Loud. I bring my hand to my temple and close my eyes tightly.
"What is wrong with you?! This could have all ended tonight! You incompetent fool! Can't you do anything right?! His life was in your hands! Yours! But no no no, you don't let the piece of shit die by his own hand! You had an alibi! You don't have what it takes to be the Joker! You're too weak! You're fucking stupid! You really really disappoint me! You let me down! You just couldn't listen! Could you?! You could have been the hero!"
I reach into my ear and pull out the chip that J was screaming at me through. I roll down the window and throw it out into the dark Gotham rain. I couldn't take any more. I just did what I thought was right. I saved my young dumb brother from himself. I gave him a second chance. Afterall, he hadn't done anything to me. I didn't have J's need for vengeance. I roll the window back up and rest my head against it with a sigh.
"You can't get rid of me dumbass. I'm in your head. Not on some micro audio device. You can't just throw me out the window. Not unless you throw yourself. Which isn't an entirely bad idea. It would probably be better than what J is planning for your incompetence."
