*J* (the continuation)

Part Forty-Eight: Chapter 377: Loyalty And Love Pt. 1

Jester's POV

It was a very long, very quiet three mile trip to Maxim's home. As expected, Ace will likely never be able to forgive me for shooting him. I don't blame him. It was shitty of me to do. That man protected me and placed the value of my life over his own. The only wrong he did to me was remain loyal to J. But come on, how's that actually wrong?

I'm the one who was in the wrong. I acted out of a spiteful jealousy. Because I wanted that loyalty he had to J for myself. I wanted him to be my Johnny Frost, my number one. And he was that for a while. He was loyal to me. But his loyalty to J trumped his loyalty to me.

And while we're talking about loyalty, it's only right to acknowledge how much I betrayed J. He should hate me as much as Ace does. He should put a bullet right through my heart. But instead, he's shown me how loyal he was to me all along. I always know exactly what to say, but I can't even find the words to convey how bad that makes me feel now.

But J knew I'd figure out the real truth about what kind of man he really was. J rarely shows anything but the Joker. So it's easy to forget that what you see is merely an act. The act needed to keep his empire. Of course it's become second nature to him. He's like a method actor who really does become the character. But every once in a while he breaks character and there's Jack.

But now I understand. J showed me. And I can see it so clearly now, because I did it too. I'm still Dr. Jake Smith, but I'm the Jester too. I chose to be a part of J's world. I watched myself change. I became harder. Grew desensitized to things. Became capable of being crueler. Jester is who I am. But sometimes Jake emerges from the depths of my character too. So I get it now.

I know now that no matter how many times J put a gun in my face, he'll always love me too much to do it. It would be like killing a part of himself. And believe me, I felt that way myself while I thought he was dead. Being in Arkham felt like a penance. Like Karma. All that time alone to just sit there and think...guilt and shame resonated into the woes of self worth. The only thing I had was Julia. She's the only reason I didn't kill myself or become some Arkham lifer.

And maybe those shocks were what I needed to open my eyes to everything I wasn't seeing. To see Julia truly loved me. The woman killed people to get in Arkham to break me out. Julia wouldn't do that normally. She'd loved a pretty honest life. She tried to make a difference in Gotham. But she threw all that away for me. She's loyal to me, and it's out of love.

The shocks also made me see that I was more like my twin than I ever even realized. We've led mirrored lives. And I know I could never shoot him either. That's why I went to Jason, because I knew I couldn't kill J myself. I loved him. He was the other half of me. And I will never forget that again. Nor will I ever forgive myself for what I did.

So Alexis not trusting me is a good thing. It shows how much she loves and respects my brother. And I can see it in J's eyes, Alexis was different than anyone else he'd ever loved. He loved her so completely. And loving her had truly changed J. Had changed Jack. Because Alexis accepted him exactly the way he was. And now she's given him the one thing he always wanted. Jackson.

So far Julia accepts everything too. And she's seen the darker side of my Jester's soul. But she knows so little of Jake. Would she accept that side of me? Anna couldn't. She hated me and was always trying to change my me to suit her. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't think much of Jester either. We never loved each other. Our marriage was purely about our families. It was an arranged marriage.

Then Ivy came along. And even though her heart and loyalty were J's, she at least shared that with me. She showed me love I suppose. But I always knew I was second to J with her too. But I don't regret the time we shared. I enjoyed the affection. I learned how to give it in return. I just didn't give it to her the way J did. I was more suited to Harley.