Live|Laugh|No Love

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Im going to ramble on for a few minutes so you can get a look into my life.

When I was a kid I would lay in bed at night thinking about what  I would be when I grow up. Am I going to be a teacher, a writer, a singer, all these brilliant ideas coming to mind but I didnt become any of those things. Did I think Id start selling drugs at the age of fourteen and living from house to house, whoever would let me come in and stay warm and dry for a few days. No not at all but at that age I wasnt allowed to work so I had to make money some how. Did I have drugs of my own to sale? No. I got mixed in with a bad group and thats where Ive been ever since and Chicago as most know is one of the many places that is filled with drugs. Im now eighteen and still selling drugs. Are you wondering why I got kicked out at the age of fourteen? or why any parent would kick their child out at that age? Yea well keep wondering because thats my business and Im not telling a fucking soul about any part of my life. If it wasnt for Timmy its hard to tell what Id be doing or if Id still be here. Timmy is the main dealer, hes over all of us. He buys the supply and makes up deal it. He stopped me on the side walk one night when he had seen me shivering and cold. He told me he could help me with a place to stay but I would have to do something for him. He gave me ten bags of coke, each had two mg of coke in them. I had to meet a few guys and take the money back to Timmy. Once I did what I was told to do he took me back to his place and loaned me some clean dry clothes and a place to stay. I lived with him up until about a year ago. I made a shit load of money from dealing and got my own flat and car. Ive been dealing ever since. Thats now all I do, its not that easy though, sometimes we have people who like to try and beat the shit out of you and take the shit they are supposed to buy, which leads to me having to beat their face in with the barrel of a gun or a pole, really anything I can get my hands on. I do think its shit that I have to pay for what I want though, I make half the drug runs, I should get my shit for free but Timmy is a dick and dosent see it that way. I said I do the most running but I have partners that help me every now and then. Niall, Liam, and Zayn. Liam and Niall are usually together doing their runs and Zayn goes with me. Only so often do we switch up.

Sometimes I lay in bed and think back in the past, I wasnt always a dark soul. I use to be very bright at one point. My mom would call me smiley because Id always have a smile on my face. I always had a bright future for myself. I hardly missed school and my grades were always perfect. I loved to write and Id also like to read. My mom use to love when Id read to her. Shed come in my room and lay in my bed with me while I read her a book, instead of her reading to me it was the other way around. She would make sure I had a full packed lunch for school, my shoes and clothes were washed, shed make sure Id have a good hot meal when Id get home and then shed run me a bath. One of the many things I remember most is her dancing with me in the kitchen baking cookies. We would bake cookies often but shed turn on. 'It must be love' by Alan Jackson and would dance around with me like she was the happiest woman in the world. It would make me happy by seeing her be carefree and having fun. Her laugh was contagious. If youve noticed Ive not mentioned my dad. Hmmm... Where do I start with you dad? Not much I have to say about you besides you were the reason I thought I was fucked up and not normal. You treated me like such shit! I suffered so much because of you and you couldnt have given two shits because your only 'perfect' son is gay!  you done so many fucked up things to me! If I wasnt a fucked up mess, I sure as fuck am now. Im not fixable, therapy dosent help and neither does the medication they have put me on. The only thing that helps me rid those fucking memories is the white powder I put up my fucking nose. Thats what I depend on for help. So thank you, thank you much my dear amazingly sweet father, I truly fucking hope you rot in hell and Ill see you when I get there and hopefully the devil takes requests that day because Ill ask him to burn the fuck out of you right in front of me.