Live|Laugh|No Love

32

Liam

"No! No! Don't, please don't!" Louis screams startle me awake from across the hall. I jump out of bed and pad to his bedroom opening the door. He's moving lightly in his sleep. I can hear his breathing heavy and hard. I walk to the bed and go to shake his shoulder.

"Zayn!" Louis screams out in terror making me jerk my hand. I reach it back and shake him awake.

"Louis hey hey hey, it's Liam." I say loudly. His eyes pop open. He jolts up grabbing his chest. His breathing only increases, getting harder and shorter. He's now gasping for air.

"Lou you have to calm down mate. Your having another panic attack. Look at me." I say to him dipping my chin down to get even with his eyes but it's like he doesn't see me. His pupils are dilated and wide.

"Louis look at me!" I yell out. His eyes snap out of the trance and look into mine.

"Copy me." I tell him and take a deep breath holding it for a second and letting it out slowly.

"Copy me lou." He nods his head fast doing the same breathing routine as me. After five minutes he's calming down. His breathing is still shaky and his eyes are like glass with dark rings. It's been three weeks since Harry left. Louis hasn't slept much at all. When he does he does what he just did. He has awful night terrors and ends up in a full panic attack. I'm keeping my promise to harry. I've not let louie side, making sure I'm here to try and help the best I can. Louis has been to a therapist seven times within these past two weeks. I try to keep my distance to give him space like the therapist said to do because he needs time to cope and fully process what actually happened but I know he's already processed it. He relives it every night he lays down and goes to sleep. If he's not sleeping he's zoned out and sometimes more silent than usual. His appetite isn't good. They have him on several different medications to try to help him eat, sleep and not have as bad of panic attacks as he does and to try to help with the depression. Not only does he have asd but it has turned into ptsd with depression on top of it so he's not doing too well.

"I- I need him liam. I need Harry here. I need him here with me. I need him! I- I need- I just need him! Why isn't he here! He isn't here helping me and he promised he'd always be here for me! He left me!" I grab Louis pulling him tightly into my arms.

"I know you need him love. He needs you to. He's only doing what he knows is best for you. I promise you he didn't want to leave you. He didn't. He knew if he stayed he wouldn't have been of any help. He wouldn't have been able to give you the space your therapist tells you that you need to get yourself better. You have to focus on only yourself right now Louis. He didn't leave you because he didn't want to be here with you love, I swear to you." I say to him still holding him tightly as his fists tighten into the back of my shirt.

"He didn't want to be angry and at you or end up saying things he didn't mean. He knew he would eventually do it where he has a short temper and you lash out and say harsh things. Even though he knows you didn't or wouldn't mean any of it, he would've ended up saying things back and he didn't want to do that to you, knowing it isn't your fault, that you're doing and saying these things. Harry loves you and this is his way of helping you lou. He said if he would've stayed, it would've been selfish of him and it broke him seeing you like this knowing he couldn't be the ONE to help you because mate believe it or not that lad is crazy as hell about you. He didn't want anyone but himself to be the only one you needed help from. He just knew he couldn't be the one."

"I miss him so much li. I just want to hear him, I want to hear his laugh, his sleepy voice, his nonstop cursing at the slightest inconvenience. I miss him telling me to calm my sassy little ass down. I just miss him." Louis says wiping his eyes and sniffling.

"I know mate. You changed him into someone I never thought id ever see him be. You were good for him lou, you are good for him. You guys will find you way back to each other." I tell him laying him back on the bed covering him up.

"How? How do you know that Liam?"

"It's you and Harry. You guys have a love I've not seen before. Trust me on it." I tell him giving him a small smile. He nods at me looking at Harry's side of the bed.

"I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep."

"Just incase you do doze off, do you want me to stay in here with you?" Louis eyes snap at me with a quite gasp.

"It's alright, I won't sleep on his side." I tell him easing his mind.

"I'm sorry, it stupid of me isn't it?"

"No no, I completely understand. I still can't sleep on the side zayn would sleep on when he'd sleep over. Ill pull my mattress in here beside your bed."

"You don't have to do that li-."

"I'll be back." I tell him leaving his bedroom.

Louis

"Thank you liam." I say covering my head up with the blanket.

"Stop thanking me louis!" Liam lightly chuckles.

"Go ahead and try to get some rest. I'll be laying here... with my eyes open... staring at the blanket." I hear Liam giggle and shuffle around in his bed.

I can't believe I've not seen or talked to Harry for three whole weeks. Three weeks feels more like two months for me. I miss him, fuck do I miss him. I miss rolling over in my sleep throwing my arm around him. I miss smelling his apple berry mixed shampoo in his curls, I miss waking  up him to his green eye staring back at me, I miss his cheap smelling cologne strongly beside of me, I miss his touch, I miss his laugh, his voice, him... I just miss him. Everything about him. I wish all of this was a stupid nightmare I could wake up from. That night was fucking awful. It was terribly fucking awful and my nights are even worse. Not just because of the nightmares and the problems I'm going through but because Harry... he's not with me. My nights are horrible because he isn't here with me to fall asleep next to, to share this single bed with and tell each other what we dream about and the plans we think of, he isn't here to nag and give me hell over doing crossword puzzles. He isn't here for me to wake him up at the crack of dawn just to get up and have a cup of tea with me only to crawl back into the bed after we've finished. He's just... not here and I'm not ok.

I'm not ok...

Am I going to be ok?

Will I ever be ok again?

I close my eyes tightly squeezing back the tears.

"We'll be alright love."

My eyes snap open hearing Harry's voice whisper. I blink repeatedly. I close my eyes again clearing my thoughts and listening to the silence.

"We'll be alright blue." His heavenly voice whispers again but this time with a flash of a memory of him holding my hand squeezing it at the hospital.

"Damn it Harry." I whisper to myself feeling my lip tremble.

Damn it, damn it. Damn it! I really need him.