Love What You Can't Have

Healing

My parents got me home and it felt great except for the balcony door, that if I opened I would see the mansion. I didn't want to see it. I did call Kourtney feeling bad for sending her away. She came right after school. The door crept open and she popped her head in. "Hey." she whispered. I started crying instantly. She came over and crawled on my bed. I hugged her so tight. "I am so sorry." I told her crying into her shoulder. "Hey its okay, I am here no matter what. I am so sorry about everything." I pulled away from her wiping my tears away. She just looked at me, wiping her tears away. "I don't know how I got so stupid." "Your not stupid Nix's, you love him." "I let him take over, I let him dictate my life." "How?" "Sex. Love. It is not what i was looking for, I had goals, I wanted to achieve them, that what was important. Then Aries crept in and stole my life. It was all about being with him." "That doesn't make you stupid." "I could ruin my chance for Julliard. What if I am not in shape by the time my competition comes." "You will make sure it happens, stop second guessing yourself." "I just made a mess of things, so I guess lets get pregnant on top of it." I wiped tears that fell. 

"It could happen to anyone, hell it could happen to me, to your mom, its common. I read up on it. You losing the baby was going to happen eventually." "Yeah, that is what they tell me." I played with my fingers. Kourtney slipped her fingers through mine. "What are people saying about me?" She put her head down. "What?" "Its just stupid shit, and people need to worry about there own lives." I shifted in bed. "Do you need anything?" "I just want a shower and to get pasted this." "What about Aries?" "What about him?" "Are you going to talk to him?" "I can't right now. I can't see him. He made me a plan? A fucking plan." "Yeah and he is suffering from his mistake, just like you." I nodded agreeing with her. "It won't fix anything, his family hates me, and now I tried to trap the heir to the biggest company. Not that I ever cared about there money." "A lot has changed. Gabe told me that Aries called his father out, seems Dimitri was also a pond to Jarvis cheating on Arti. I guess Aries hacked his dad's computer, and he has been sleeping with his secretary for almost 2 years. Arti, made him leave the house, and he has been in a motel. He had to reaccess everything and figure out what he wants in life. He only married Arti because she got pregnant with Dimitri." I looked at her. "That explains alot." "Jarvis paid your hospital bill and extra for 24 hour staff and doctor. He bought out the whole wing you was in, and then made a large donation to the hospital, Gabe just told me he made another donation to Womens Health and Pregnancies in Honor of Angel." I looked at her again. "Like I said alot has changed since you been out." I looked away. 

"Doesn't change anything. Aries still slept with Sonya, and made me out to be a fool." I crawled out of bed, Kourtney got out of bed and came over to help. I was still wearing hospital pants and a white T-shirt. I headed to my dresser, and grabbed some clean clothes. "WHy doesn't it change anything? You two are made for each other, he is really destroyed." "Ya, so am I. I was made out to be a joke. I need a shower." She guided me over to the bathroom. "Open that window please." I pointed at the one by the toilet. I leaned against the counter and set my clothes down. "Give me a cigarette." She handed me one. "Your smoking in here?' "I cant' go on the balcony yet." She nodded and handed her one. She lit one up too. I looked in the mirror. "I look horrible." I noted. My hair was in a messy bun, my face was pale. "Please you are a hot mess." I smiled at her. The first smile since this all happen, Kourtney always brought that out. I lifted my shirt, the two small holes left little scaring. "Is that all?" she said going to touch me, but I pulled away. "I am sorry." "Its ok, I didn't mean to pull away." "I understand." "I think my belly button closed up." I told her. "We will go get it redone when you are ready." I agreed. I threw my cigarette in the toilet she did to, and then went back in my room while I took my shower. 

I sat in the shower just letting the water hit me. The hot water felt good on me. I kept scrubbing and scrubbing. I couldn't get the smell of the hospital off of me. I just scrubbed till my body was beat red. I just sat there letting it hit me, crying. I would have these two small marks on my stomach for the rest of my life, a constant reminder of what I had, and what I have lost. 

I took the rest of the days from school off. The rumors of me continued with eventually everyone knowing what happened. By Thursday, the rumors stopped. My Facebook messenger was blowing up with continued prayers and special thoughts. It was nice of them, but I also didn't need there pity. Kourtney told me not to take it that way, but it was hard not to. The flowers poured into my room. Stuff animals for the my little angel, and alot of 'can't wait to see you." Beth and Allison came over and hugged me tight. Told me how Aries and Drake practically ripped Sonya a new face. Then they took it upon there selves to give her an ear full. They didn't have to do that, but I was loving every minute of it. They also told me how Aries has been miserable and keeping to himself. School and practice, then home. The pool was not used, the partying has stopped and the life has been drained from him. Kourtney would bring me my homework so I wasn't behind, and that helped me be distracted. 

My father left after 3 days of being here. "You call me kid, whatever you need. Whatever time." "I will I promise. Hug my baby brother." I told him. Saying baby still stung a little. He kissed my forehead and got into his taxi. I waved from the window and headed back to my room. "Phoenix?' my mom called before I reached my door. I turned and faced her. "Can we talk?" she said. "Sure." I said heading back down and to the kitchen. I sat down, and she poured me a cup of coffee. "I just want you to know that I am glad you are doing better, not perfect but better, it is good to have your girlfriends over and visit." "But?" I said blowing on my coffee before taking a sip. "I think it is time for you to talk to Aries." I set my cup down. "I am not ready." I told her. "He is asking about you everyday. He is worried, scared, and miserable." I didn't say anything. "His parents are worried about him, his brothers are worried about him." "How do you know how his parents feel?' "Arti and I have been very close now, she and I along with Michelle have been great friends, and whether you like it or not, we are supporting each other with the fact that our children almost had a baby, and the loss." I sat back in my chair. "It is not just about you, although you hold the most. We are all suffering." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Are you done?" I said. "You have to do this, it will help you get past what you can, and move on. Talk to him, yell at him, hit him if you have to but just do something." she told me. "I am going back to work tonight, think it over." she told me going into her room. I grabbed my coffee and headed upstairs, slamming the door behind me. 

My mom was right. I had to get this over with. I needed to push past the hurt of seeing  him and start to focus on me and the goals I had set for myself before moving here. I set my coffee cup down and went to the balcony doors. I opened them. The September breeze hit me, and it felt amazing. I grabbed my cigarettes and lit one up. "I can do this, I have to do this." Damn it I hated it that she was right. I grabbed my phone and found his name. Still my #1 in my phone list. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hit the button and it started ringing.