Love What You Can't Have

It's Over

I came home from school and sat on the couch. I ran my fingers through my hair. These past few days have been hell. I am trying my best at practice and homework, I am still good, but nothing like I was before. My mom walked into the livingroom, she has been around alot more now that everything has happened. My father has even been home, but at nights after dinner he would usually leave. Dimitri has been to Spain and even China. He was working but also having fun again. Gabe has been smiling from ear to ear, with Kourtney by his side. They have been getting alot closer now that he is at the same school as her. Holding hands, kissing, all the things I would of done, if I did the right thing with Phoenix. 

I have mostly kept to myself. The space I have been giving Phoenix has been draining me. I just wanted to hear her voice. I would work out alot in my room, sleep and mostly just lay around watching TV. Drake tries to drag me out to some party but I never go, I can't go, not without her on my arm. My mom seen my tattoos and actually liked them. She felt the Angel wings were a nice touch. My dad wasn't to happy, but he didn't say many words to me as much as the other boys. We still have alot to work out between us, but he did say he wasn't going to step in to any of my relationships, especially if it was with Phoenix. He made a large donations to a charity to helped with Pregnancies of all types. He made in honor of our Angel. It was nice of him. I appreciated it more than he knows. 

"Laurie made some fabulous coffee cakes. Would you like some?' My mom asked. "No, thank you. I have a lot of homework to do." I said standing grabbing my bag, when my phone rang. I huffed and took it out of my pocket. 'Its Phoenix." I said just staring at the screen. "Well answer it." she smiled. "Phoenix?" I said nervously. "We need to talk, can you come over in an hour?" "Ya, sure of course." She hung up. "It was her." I said in shock. "What did she say?' Gabe and Kourtney came in from the kitchen. "Whats going on?' Gabe asked downing an orange juice. "Phoenix called him," Arti said. "She did!!" Kourtney said happily. "She wants to see me, she wants me to come over in an hour. I have to get a shower." I said running upstairs. "I can't believe she finally called." "Don't get your hopes up. This might not turn out very good." Arti said. They lost their smiles and sat down. 

AN HOUR LATER: 

I wasn't sure if I should climb the balcony or not. So I decided to go to the front door. Rose answered she was dressed in her nurses scrubs. She smiled at me. "She called you." "Ya." I said smiling back at her. She gave me a hug and I came inside. "I am leaving for work, but go ahead up. I hope everything goes well." she kissed my cheek and headed out. I took a deep breath and headed upstairs. I came into her room. The smell of her filled my senses. I missed her smell. She was standing on the balcony, a cigarette in her hand. Her hair was brushed and pulled back into a pony tail. She had on shorts and a tank top. She looked beautiful from the back. 

She turned around and faced me. I just stood still. She was leaning against the railing. Her face had color to it now, she looked tired but it was still her, still stunningly beautiful, still my princess. I kept my hands in my pockets. I watched her as she wiped her tears away and then moved slowly into her room. "Hey." I said swallowing whatever I could. She stopped at her bed.

"I understand that you are hurting over all this as well, but you and I can't be together anymore." Those were the first words she said to me. Her voice sounded like bells. They made the hole in my chest close slightly, but was ripped open at what she exactly said. "Please let me explain," "You don't need to explain anything. You got a little more than what you planned on, and Karma works in a mysterious way, but she smacked me in the face to. She opened my eyes and made me realize that I was nothing but a game to you and sadly it went to far and a possible baby was brought into it." "It wasn't suppose to be like that." I told her. "So I wasn't the plan, to get me into bed and throw me away when you was done with me. Or the fact that you fell in love with me." "I did have a plan, I did just want to have sex with you, but the minute you said I was going to lose you, I..." "Kept the plan to just to continue to sleep with me, not giving me chance to be with anyone else if I wanted to be. That I was all yours." "I know I did things wrong, but I do love you, more than you know. I was scared, I have never had these feelings before I didn't know how to handle it." "You don't love me Aries, you love fucking me. BIg difference." "That wasn't it." "That is all we ever did, since the day we met." she yelled.

"The minute I told you or called you out on your bullshit, you sleep with that fucking bitch!!! Then you don't tell me and i have to find out on the same night your father and brother are putting me down, on the same night that we told each other we loved each other. I was made out to be a fool, and I will not go threw that again." I put my head down. "I don't care what changes were made between you and your family. You should of fought harder, instead you run away, like a little kid, and come here, stay with me, fucking me at any given time." "I made a mistake." i kept saying. "I am not perfect. I was scared." "Then lets add a baby to the mix. Your fucking pull out method, all because you can't control yourself. A baby was formed almost taking me out completely. What would of happen if I did carry this baby full term?" "I don't know." "I do, I would of been vaporized by your father, he would of tossed you out on your ass and all my hard work for Julliard would of been for nothing. I fell under spell, and I won't let it happen again." "Phoenix please. I am lost without you. I can't breath, I can't think, I need you." I started walking towards her, but she backed away. I stopped. "Don't come near me." she cried. "You have already left enough marks on me. I don't need another scar." she said touching her stomach.

"I love you so much." "You don't know what love is. Not until is ripped from inside you. I was pregnant Aries with your child!! Your baby!! Its gone. Everything is gone, I died that day because of you." she sobbed. I couldn't speak, I feel to my knees in front of her. "Phoenix please, just give me a chance to prove to you that I love you and only you." "Get out." she said. I began to cry. "I can't be around you." she said. I touched her leg. She pulled away. "Can't you see this is killing me, It is killing me looking at you, picturing our child with your face. It is killing me to smell you and not be able to touch you. Please just go." she cried. She went out to the balcony. "As you wish." I sobbed and headed out of her life. She was right. I did wrong by her. I did have a plan, I did want her constantly, but she did too. I did sleep with Sonya. I did everything wrong. Maybe this is the best for us. But I do love her, not just for the sex, but everything about her. She is the only girl for me. I will wait for her, even if it takes a lifetime.