First Sight

Chapter 21

-I am, I'm sorry for everything I said, I didn't meant it.

-It doesn't matter, you said it, you didn't think it through and it hurt- She stood up, walking back to the house.

-I don't wanna fuck this up.

-Then why are you?- Turns to me and I pay attention to her look, to her trembling voice, the tears trying to come out and her biting her lip hard to not cry.

-Because I don't know how to do this okay?- I approached- I'm not used to...Have someone worrying about me the way you do, I mean yes I have Barrett but you feel different...

You are different.

-And that scares the hell outta me. David he...

-Who?

-My ex.

-If you're going to say you still love him I don't wanna hear it, I'm sorry but...

-I hate that man with everything I have- I say and she turns her head to face me, I look at the grass- One day, I promise you, I'll tell you what happened to me. I'll tell you who hurt me, I'll tell you who made me not want any of this. I'll tell you who he is. But I'm sorry Stefania, not right now.

I hear her slow footsteps closer and closer, her finger goes to my chin, raising my head.

-I know that you're trying to push me away but can you not do that with those words? It hurt, I think I've been crying my eyes out since I left your apartment that day, I try to keep my mind busy but everything leads to you and...You can't do this to me- I giggle wiping her tears.

-I don't want you crying- I said.

-I hate this, because you have this thing over me and it seems like I can't get away. I'm in my office and all I think is that you're right in front of it, I come here wishing you won't be here, but I knew you would be and I came anyways and it's hard. It's hard to think, it's hard move a muscle, it's hard to breathe, when you're here.

I grin, bending down to put the cigarette on the ashtray.

-Look I...I'm sorry...

-I will be more distant for now on- Says quickly not letting me finish.

-What?

She looks away, it was clearly hurting her the same way it was to me, I didn't want her to go away, I wanted her to be as close as possible.

Should I tell you that?

Should I tell you you've been the best part of my days since the day I moved here?

I looked at the window, showing Barrett and Caterina almost kissing and then looking at me, doing that multiple times, I couldn't laugh at that, but I was internally doing it, they wanted me to kiss her. So did I.

-Stefania I don't want you to go away- I say coming out as almost a whisper, I was still looking at them so I didn't have to face her.

-You don't feel okay when I'm too much around so I will back off.

-But you can't do that- I search for her face, finding confused brown eyes trying to figure every word of my sentence- Look I...This is weird because I've never said it before, but I need you to stay.

-You need me to stay? I'm not leaving, we just end whatever we have, we're friends and we live our lives.

-We live our lives?- I giggle looking at the sky for a second- That's another way to tell me you'll have things with other people and act like we never had anything.

-That's not...

-It is- I stop her sentence, passing through her.

-Come here, if you knew how long I stayed without having anything with a woman before you, you'd not be saying that.