Amour [h.s]

☼ twenty one ☼

"I met you in the dark, you lit me up, you made me feel as though, I was enough"

☼ ☼ ☼

A beautiful soft chapter to cure a broken heart <3

Amelie

"What's the matter with you today?" I hum to Milo as I secure his tiny baby vans onto his feet.

He had been screaming all day. Every time I lifted him onto my hip, he let out an ear piercing scream. Harry was taking part in some kind of interview within the venue, so I had been trying to juggle Milo's difficult behaviour on my own.

Harry had only been gone for a few hours, and I was already struggling to take care of my own son. Harry just made everything seem so easy, he was an effortless helper.

"Okay, okay, we'll go on a walk, yeah?" There wasn't much else I could do, he refused food, he wouldn't sleep, didn't want to be changed, or bathed, he just wasn't happy today. The most I could do, was take him out of the cramped bus and walk him around the Budapest Arena, where we're playing tonight.

He lets out tired whines as I strap him into the push chair, I was praying on my lucky stars, that a walk would send him to sleep, or at least calm him down for an hour or so.

"Come on little one, you're tired, huh?" I coo to him, gently stroking my thumb across his reddened cheek. He lets out a whine in response, his little balled fist pushing my hand away from his face, the knife that rests in my heart, twisting ever so slightly.

"We'll go and find Ollie, he'll make you laugh." I'm mostly talking to myself now, trying to convince myself that somebody else will be more successful than me, at making my own son smile.

Maybe he was just having a bad day. Maybe he just woke up in a weird mood. He often gets into odd moods. It's not unusual, but it does hurt my ego every time he cries when I touch him.

There was a little thought in my mind that perhaps Leo had managed to traumatise his little brain, and perhaps, just like I had done when Harry and I were getting intimate, he was imagining Leo. Perhaps he thought Leo was holding him, instead of me. Maybe Leo had blurred the lines so much, that Milo now wasn't aware of what was safe and unsafe.

He had been through so much trauma in the first few months of his life, trauma that even a grown adult would struggle to heal from, let alone a tiny babies brain.

"Look over there monkey, that's where mummy's going to be playing tonight" I tell him, crouching beside the pushchair and pointing at the arena that sits in front of us. He surprises me and makes grabby hands towards the building, as if he wanted to go inside.

"You want to go in? Shall we see who we can find? I wonder if Harry is in here." Just the sheer mention of his name has Milo's face lighting up. A childish joy painted across his face, as he releases a little squeal, his chubby hand reaching out to the arena, non verbally telling me, he wants to see Harry.