Amour [h.s]

☼ twenty seven ☼

"She would not show that she was afraid, but being and feeling alone was too much to face"

☼ ☼ ☼

Trigger warning: panic attacks

Amelie

I wasn't quite sure what being at home was supposed to feel like. Being at home with Leo, was never the greatest feeling, so my judgment of that is rather clouded. I just get a sense that perhaps it isn't supposed to feel this uncomfortable.

Milo and I had arrived to our new home a few hours ago, after a painful and emotional goodbye to all of our tour family, and a promise that we would all return in one piece in Canada.

Saying goodbye to Harry, tugged a little harder on my heart strings than it should've done. But since I've pinpointed the exact emotion that is taking over, everything seems a little heightened.

He's only ten minutes down the road, yet it's paining me to even think about. I'm just so used to him sleeping right next to me. So used to being able to call his name and he's there.

It doesn't work like that anymore.

He isn't within earshot, he isn't just around the corner. And it's not a nice feeling. Milo's noticed his absence too. Luckily he was sleeping when we all bid our goodbyes, but now he's awake, and I can tell he's uncomfortable. His eyes constantly flit around the new environment, desperately searching for his Harry.

After half an hour of him, consistently looking for the man who gives him endless attention, I couldn't bare to watch him at loss anymore. So I handed over one of Harry's hoodies I had been swamped in, and it settled him instantly. He's been sleeping, clutching onto Harry's hoodie with dear life. Even unconscious, he refuses to let the hoodie go.

I haven't known what to do with myself. I put my clothes into the wardrobe, but that was all I had to do. I didn't have anything to unpack. Everything just felt so unfamiliar and uncomfortable. This wasn't my house. And without Harry, I didn't feel as though I could properly relax.

I had been sitting on the edge of the sofa, ever since Milo fell asleep with the hoodie held tightly against his body. My eyes dart between the door and Milo, like a cruel game of tennis. My anxiety on an all time high, as I stay on the look out for an intruder, my mind constantly thinking that Milo is just going to disappear, that someone is going to break in, that Leo is going to climb through a window to get us.

I didn't feel safe.

I didn't have any comfort. And that comfort was vital for me. Harry was vital for me.

I needed him to survive. He was my oxygen. As much as I hated to admit it, I couldn't live without him. I couldn't picture life without him. He was my air.