Amour [h.s]

☼ fifty two ☼

"Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?"

☼ ☼ ☼

Trigger warning: talks of scattering ashes / moving on after loss

Amelie

The days all merge together when you've got a toddler and a newborn at home, though Bodhi isn't technically new born anymore. He's nearly three months old. But still the size of a newborn baby.

We live through the motions, the mornings turning into the nights and the nights turning into the mornings. It's an endless cycle of tiredness, and whenever I get a little down about how boring my life has become, I remind myself just how lucky I am to be here with my boys.

A lot of people don't get this chance.

Though I do miss travelling. There's part of me that misses my old life. My life before Amora and Bodhi were even conceived.

I miss the life I had when Milo was still a baby and Harry and I had the world at the tips of our fingers.

Travelling to new cities, being so blinded by each other's love that we barely had time for anything else.

It was how I imagined love should be.

Our love never changed, but our priorities altered. Our love was divided up and suddenly it's getting harder to steal little kisses, it's getting harder to have intimate moments with him, because of our new responsibilities.

My skin was itching for a change. I needed a change in scenery. I needed to get out of this house. I needed a clear mind and I needed to just feel free for a moment.

I just wanted to take a breath, smile and not having a screaming child in my face.

The boys are my everything, but I do crave a rest. A change in routine. A change in the motions.

"What's got you down, mon amour?" Harry wraps his arms around me from behind. I stand at the kitchen window, looking out onto the garden where Milo chases Maggie's dog, Joey, around in circles. Maggie and Cassius watch on, completely wrapped in each other. Stealing little kisses as they look at each other with a whole galaxy of love in their eyes.

I barely get the chance to look at Harry like that nowadays.

"I- uh" I struggle with my words, not wanting to word it in a way that would offend him. But I also know deep down he misses his life.

I know he misses performing. It's one of his most favourite things to do. I know it bothers him that he's not able to do it at the moment. I know he's been writing songs, scribbling down lyrics in a notebook whilst he hunches over a guitar at two in the morning.

It was a refreshing sight to see.

I enjoyed watching him in his element.

"I don't want to sound like a horrible mother" I sigh, leaning my head back against his shoulder. "But I kind of miss our old life- our tour life" I say to him, I stay silent awaiting his response.