Amour [h.s]

☼ fifty six ☼

"They said 'I bet, they'll never make it' but just look at us holding on"

☼ ☼ ☼

Trigger warning: mention of abortions

Amelie

A year ago today I was on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down my thighs, the two little lives inside of me, unmoving.

A year ago today I thought I had lost both of my babies. I thought it was over.

A year ago my precious babies came into the world in the most traumatic way.

It was one of the worst days of my life.

I had balled myself up in the bathroom, barely able to move. I thought I was going to die.

And that's exactly how this morning went. A whole year later and I was bent over the toilet, my head pounding.

Though this time I knew I wasn't dying.

I knew it wasn't over.

It was something beginning.

I was pregnant.

I had a little life inside of me and I was terrified.

I hadn't told anyone yet, not even Harry. We weren't specifically trying for a baby, but it seemed to just happen. I knew before I had even taken a test that I was pregnant. But when I got the positive result, my mind just ran away.

Harry and I had spoken about having more kids so many times, I was determined to give him his little girl, but he didn't want me to put myself through the trauma again.

He was certain that he didn't want anymore children.

But I was pregnant and he didn't know.

My first thought was that I should get rid of it. I didn't want to go through the pain of losing another baby, I didn't want to have my baby living in a plastic box. I didn't want my baby covered in wires.

I didn't want to have to watch my baby take their last breaths.

I couldn't do that again.

And I couldn't put Harry through that again.

"Amelie?" Harry's voice travels through the bathroom, his fist knocking on the door.

"Yeah- I just- hang on" I tell him, flushing the toilet and wiping my mouth. I stand up from the floor, my vision blurs for a moment and I have to steady myself before I open the door to Harry.