Amour [h.s]

☼ thirty eight ☼

"Through the years, we'll always be together, if the fates allow"

☼ ☼ ☼

Harry

We've been back in England for less than forty eight hours. We're just weeks away from Christmas and Milo's first birthday, and the speed of life seems to be picking up. We believe Amelie is around six or seven weeks pregnant but we'll get confirmation later today.

Today is our first doctors appointment, and I've been up since three am, doubting every tiny thing that enters my mind. I couldn't get back to sleep, and I didn't want to disturb Amelie. So I removed myself from the situation, and I've been sitting in the spare room since. The spare room which is soon going to be turned into a baby nursery for our little girl.

Amelie has told me hundreds of times to stop calling her a girl, but I can't stop. Every time I close my eyes and picture our baby, she's a little girl. A perfect little baby girl.

I can't stop my hands from jittering at the anxiousness of the day. I'm just waiting for something horrible to happen. And I've been so positive about it so far, especially in front of Amelie. But in reality, it feels like I'm dying.

I barely sleep, I'm up all night thinking about our gorgeous little girl, and what a privilege it is to be someone's dad. But then the negative thoughts take over and suddenly I can't breathe, suddenly it feels as if my little girl is being ripped from my arms, and I'm given the harsh reminder that something could go wrong.

Amelie could miscarry. Our baby could be unhealthy, she could have a problem, a deformity, she could have a disease that's taking her life. Something could happen to Amelie. Amelie might get sick and she might not be strong enough to fight for two lives.

And every night I'm awake, making myself go through these horrific images in my head, almost like my brain is preparing me for the worst, and all of the anxiousness leads to today.

Amelie had to do a blood test whilst we were in South America, I paid a lot of money to get them shipped back to England so we'd have the results by today. Today was going to be a make or break. Today we would be told if Amelie and our baby are both healthy, or we'd be told that something is wrong. Either with Amelie or our precious baby.

I've googled every single thing that could go wrong, knowing all of the symptoms incase Amelie gets some sort of infection and I'll need to know exactly how to help before it's too late. I've googled everything from ectopic pregnancies to sepsis. I've made it my mission to educate myself on every risk possible.

And though I keep telling myself how important it is that I'm aware of the risks, it's also been destroying me, slowly breaking me down. I've been too anxious to eat since we arrived home, I can't sleep, I find it hard to even settle my eyes on Amelie's stomach that seems to have grown overnight. She's suddenly got this petite little belly, which just looks like she's bloated, but I can't bring myself to look for too long, or my mind will create a horrific scenario.