Amour [h.s]

☼ fifty five ☼

"Tonight I'm gonna hold you close, make sure that you know I was lost before you"

☼ ☼ ☼

Harry

"Dada ho ho!" Was the first thing I woke up to this morning. He had a much better understanding of Christmas now he was just a week away from turning two. Which is something that just didn't feel right.

He had grown in the blink of an eye.

"Merry Christmas my biggest boy" I pull him onto the bed, allowing himself to sprawl his body over me like I was a climbing frame.

It was Bodhi's first Christmas. And our first Christmas without Amora. Something that we had been warned of. Anyone who has ever experienced grief always says that the first Christmas without them is the worst.

Though I found last night hard, putting my two children to bed, tucking them in ready for Santa to come. We had laid out milks and cookies, Milo was bouncing all over the walls, we watched Arthur Christmas before we gave the boys a bath together, and then finally tucking them in ready for the big day.

And I found that really emotionally taxing.

Because I should've been tucking Amora in with them. I should've been hanging her stocking and I should've been taking millions of photos of her and her brothers in their Christmas pyjamas.

But instead I had to blow a kiss to the stars.

And that killed me.

"Mama" Milo reaches out to gently pat Amelie's face.

My heart aches for the happiness we had this time last year. When we were overcome with joy at the thought of having twins.

We told my mum and Gemma a whole year ago. But now, three hundred and sixty five days later. We've got a child in heaven and I never even considered it a risk a year ago.

The thought never crossed my path.

"Is Bodhi awake?" Amelie hums, her face squashed into the pillow.

Bodhi had a check up last week. And it was almost like someone had carved our hearts from our chests and stamped on them repeatedly.

Bodhi was seven months old now, but still just as unresponsive as he was when he was a newborn.

It was often like he just wasn't there.

Amelie had stressed her concerns for our son for weeks and weeks, making sure to bring it up at every appointment.

But it was this one where they had told us that they were unsure of what damage his traumatic birth could've had on his brain.

It was like having a newborn baby at home. He never smiled or laughed. He's only just started to hold his arms up for a cuddle. He barely cries, he doesn't react the way a normal baby should react.