wait// joshler

24

word count: 452

i stare at myself in the mirror.  i've never worn a tux before. this one is a rental. it's the first time i've ever worn a tie. the mirror of me looks weird. he looks like he wants to reach out and grab my neck. the flow of a black suffocating feeling covers my neck in the mirror.

"tyler?"

i shake my head, my mirroring self does too. he looks... normal again.

"tyler," my name is called again. 

"in here dad," i reply, but don't look away from the mirror. 

he comes into my room. his silence makes it awkward, but i know, neither of us want to talk. 

"what... was mom like when you two met?" a question i never felt comfortable asking, until now.

"she was.. like you actually."

"sorry?"

"came from a broken family... but she was.. so so nice. her mom died of cancer right after we met. i.. she never wanted to be like her mom."

but she was. the words he didn't say. but i could feel it in the air.

what he didn't say, 

was enough. 

-

i can see my aunt marie and her two kids, jai and ellie standing next to her. they've had a happy and put together family. they're rich. they're everything i've always wanted to be. 

the priest lies, about mom. he tells us things we'd like to hear. how she was a wonderful woman, how she fought hard, to stay alive and create a better life, a better world, for me than she ever had. 

i see aunt marie pull her hand up to her eyes slowly and wipe a tear off her face. holding my uncle's hand tighter. i look over to dad. his hand are shaking, and i don't understand why. 

he.. did want this to happen. 

and as they lower her into the ground, i feel myself wrap my hand around dad's. his tears falling down his face. and it hurts me. 

it hurts. 

me.

-

"im so sorry, tj," aunt marie tells me. 

"i know."

"me too," the twins chime.

"thanks guys," i hug my cousins. 

"you're strong, tj," uncle john says.

"thanks."

dad stands a few feet behind me. 

"you want to come to dinner with us?" aunt marie offers. 

"i.. can't," dad replies. 

and that... hurts me. but i'm not sure if it hurts because i know he's hurting or if it's because of the words that fall out of his mouth like iron. 

the complexness of human emotions, is something nobody really comprehends, unless they are molded the exact same way. though we try, all we do is hurt people. 

"call me..." i start, and look at dad, "if you need me."

he nods and i see him walk away. 

he needs me. i know. 

i know it. 

a/n: i technically updated on tuesday..

it's not midnight yet...

I LOVE YOU