wait// joshler

45

word count: 376

im scraping the blue and teal icing off the kitchen tiles, my hands shaking, as my brain cannot come to terms that i am loved.

i throw everything away and clean my hands. joshua is a few feet away from me. i watch him as he watches me. he wants me to tell dad that i like him. that i want to be with him. i want to tell dad that i like him. that i want to be with him.

but everything inside me is so new. so undiscovered. that i am unsure how.

-

dad and i are cleaning around the house. everything is pretty much the same. except with every new tv show we watch he asks if i think a guy is cute. and even though, just like straight people, i don't like every person i see, i love that he's trying. 

-

joshua and i sit closer than we have before around dad. dad's reading a book on the recliner. i reach for joshua's hand. but slowly pull back.

"dad?"

my hand dances around joshua's. i feel like i'm teasing him. even though i'm not trying to.

"yeah?"

i touch his knuckles, my lips want to kiss them.

"i like a guy."

joshua stares at my hand as do i. 

"okay?"

i slowly touch his wrist and then pull my fingers down until i'm at the tip of his ring finger. 

"i want to date him."

i look up and me and joshua's eyes meet.

"i have to meet him first."

i can't wait until i can fall inside joshua's eyes, wherever we go.

"you have, already."

i peel my eyes away from his, and look toward dad. joshua leans back.

dad has his book down and he's staring at me.

"you're in love with him," dad turns his head towards joshua, "aren't you?"

i nod slowly.

"go ahead then. but no sex. at least not while i'm home."

"we haven't even-."

"i don't want details, just be safe and promise. not while i'm home. i don't even like hearing other people have sex. i don't like hearing people have sex."

"okay okay dad. promise."

he pulls his book back up.

i grab joshua's hand, and i hold it, bringing the back of his hand to my lips and kissing it. and then i lean against his chest and let myself fall asleep. 

i let myself relax.