wait// joshler

39

word count: 320

"happy saturday joshua."

"what happened the other day?"

"with my dad?"

"yeah."

"we talked and then spent an hour together in silence sobbing because my mom screwed us up so badly."

"i'm sorry."

"no, it's okay. you helped me get so much stuff out."

"that's good."

"yeah, but there's one more thing.. i want to say out loud. to you."

"yeah?"

"i..."

i start to bounce my leg. everything feels like it's happening so fast. but also so slowly. like my purpose is here. in front of me, but right now i am just a filler chapter, instead of progressing toward my goal. 

and i can't process the outcome if i tell joshua i like him. if he were to reject me or not? and if he didn't.. we'll then what would happen? he would become an even bigger person for me. my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend. the person i come to.

then for what? 

we could evaporate into nothing. our hearts both broken and bleeding on each others' hands because we hurt each other. talking over nothing, trying to fill a void that we forced upon each other. 

he would be filling the void of my broken childhood. me filling a void for his not wanting to die alone?

oh but how would it feel to die alone? to have nobody to need you. nobody to worry about you.

but i don't want to die alone. i want to die with him. with his brown hair and his brown eyes. i want him to be wrapped around my finger so i can carelessly let him fall with me. as we softly hit the ground in the fall air. we kiss and we hug. we become everything we ever wanted to be.

we could have a future together. i made the first move. i became his friend.

now if he just would initiate the first romantic move.

because i'm too scared to fall. and have every dream i've ever had.

break in front of my eyes.

a/n: happy pride month in a little gay story

i'm giving you another chapter as a gift