wait// joshler

37

word count: 431

"s-sorry?"

it all falls out like vomit and i can't make it stop.

"she was an asshole. she didn't care about me or my dad. she stabbed him in the hand with a fork. she smoked while she was pregnant with me. she was an awful person and basically seduced my dad when he was sixteen and she was twenty one. she was an asshole. honestly i'm glad she's dead."

i feel myself stop after that last sentence. and now i understand why dad said what he said.

"holy shit," joshua says.

and he's quiet. we're both quiet. 

i don't know what he's analyzing and i don't know how to ask.

"your mom.. stabbed your dad with a fork? and she... she dated a minor?"

"yeah," i whispered. i felt.. weird.

"jesus."

"yeah."

"i'm sorry."

"you're not... judging?"

"why would i judge?"

"kids at schools did."

"they didn't even know you."

"people will-."

"watch if there are people to watch?"

"you.. remember that?"

"yeah, of course, you said it."

"okay... well same concept. if there are people to judge, people will judge."

"im sorry tyler."

"doesn't matter. if they wanted to get to know me. have the rumors disproven. they would've asked. but they didn't. because they didn't give a flying fuck about me. or the rumors they were spreading. they just wanted to talk about someone who wouldn't stand up to them."

"im sorry. i should've stopped them."

"why would you have? i wasn't your friend."

"but i-."

"joshua," i look at him, "i don't hold it against you. we weren't friends until after i got suspended. i wouldn't have expected you to stand up for me. i just ignored them. but all this shit, it's why i punched you, all of it smashed together. it's no excuse, and i'm surprised you forgive me as easily as you did. but it's why i did it. it's not an excuse, it's the reasoning."

his eyes swallow me whole again. i want to fall in them. 

"i have been so confused," i rip my eyes away from his, "about everything my whole life. i hated my mom but i also loved her because she was my mom. she had cancer and i thought she was a good person, and i felt the guilt of the way she had to live. i thought she loved me. i don't know if she did... anymore, in her own twisted way. but i do know... my dad has loved me every step of the way. i love him. he's better than my mom will ever be and i'm happy i have him."

"oh tyler, that's so sweet."

"i'm proud to be his son."

joshua looks behind me, "y-your dad is here."

i turn around, "hi dad."