TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS
Sam
Since the night of the Halloween party, I had been spending a lot of time online. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking for. All I had were a few symptoms to work with, which was what I started with. I had searched up dizziness, fatigue and weight loss, instantly becoming overwhelmed with a large number of potential health issues. I spent hours reading through various results, only getting frustrated when everything seemed to lead to a dead end.
Addison's disease was one of the first results to pop up and it seemed plausible at first. Its symptoms included dizziness, fatigue, loss of appetite and weight loss as well as a frequent need to pee, which would explain the excessive time Rory spent in the bathroom, but its other symptoms ruled it out. From what I could gather, she hadn't experienced any abdominal pain, fever or hyperpigmentation of her skin, not that I knew what it was at first.
On one hand, I was relieved because from what I had read, Addison's disease was a serious condition, but on the other hand, it put me back to square one.
Other results led me to anaemia, which could have been the case had there not been a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me it wasn't, that I should keep digging. All the symptoms fit but something wasn't sitting right with me.
One of the suggestions that stuck out to me was depression. It would have explained a lot of things - her fatigue and appetite loss as well as her frequent mood swings and low self-esteem - but it still left the matter of the dizzy spells she had experienced, the weight loss and the excessive bathroom trips.
It was for that reason that I decided to alter my search criteria, adding in the frequent visits to the bathroom. It seemed to get me absolutely nowhere, however. I was shown webpages on IBS, diabetes and hepatic encephalopathy, which was apparently some sort of liver damage from hepatitis, immediately ruling it out. What piqued my interest out of that search, though was a webpage titled 'Warning Signs and Symptoms'. It was an information guide on eating disorders.
My mind instantly went to anorexia, and my mouth let out a scoff at the thought. It was the only eating disorder I knew about and internally, I was in denial. No, Rory wasn't anorexic. I had watched her eat on numerous occasions. She couldn't have an eating disorder. It was impossible.
As I went to exit the page, something stopped me. Memories relayed in my head of Rory's self-deprecating comments and my mind recalled the excessive exercise regime she had implemented. It wouldn't hurt to read up on the subject matter, I thought to myself, at least I can rule it out then. My stomach dropped more and more with each line I read.
Preoccupation with weight and dieting.
Discomfort eating around others.
Skipping meals or eating small portions of regular meals.
Withdrawal from friends.
Excessive focus on body shape and size.
Mood swings.
Those were just the behavioural symptoms. I only felt more nauseous as I moved onto the physical ones, my stomach flipping with perturbation.
Fluctuations in weight.
Menstrual abnormalities.
Difficulties concentrating.
Dizziness and fatigue.
Sleep issues.
Cuts and callouses on the knuckles.
Excessive exercise.
The words on the screen cut through me like a knife, my mind recalling the times I had noticed little cuts on Rory's knuckles that I hadn't given a second thought to as well as all the times I had caught her zoning out, engrossed in a world of her own. She hadn't mentioned any irregularities with her period, not that I would expect her to share them with me in the first place, but she never kept it a secret when she got hers and a fair amount of time had passed since her last. Her ever-present exhaustion made sense if she was having trouble sleeping and the dizziness and fatigue as a result of a poor diet.
I felt sick as my mind trawled over the multitude of signs I had blatantly ignored.
Towards the end of the page, there were a number of eating disorders listed, including anorexia. Anorexia nervosa if you wanted to give it its full name. It was the only one on the list that I had ever heard of. Turns out, there are so many that I had never known existed.
Bulimia nervosa was the one that stood out to me. There were more specific symptoms listed including frequent visits to the bathroom after meals, excessive use of mouthwash, mints and gum and callouses on the knuckles due to self-induced vomiting.
Swallowing down the bile that was threatening to scale my oesophagus, I hesitantly clicked on learn more, unsure if I wanted to open up Pandora's box. I read through the page rigorously, inhaling sharply as I came to the end and snapping the lid of the laptop shut.
"Fuck," I cursed under my breath, running a hand over my face. "What have ya got yourself into, Scarl?"
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Drop Dead | Sam Fender
Fanfiction'Did you come around here just to start a fight? Drop dead.' Sam's difficulty with relationships stems all the way back to his adolescence. He hasn't had it easy growing up in the Northeast of England but he managed to escape his teens unscathed. Mo...
