THE HEIST SQUAD ☆ KIMCHAY AU

Chapter 9. tippy toes

— fear creeps at you slowly, quietly on its tippy toes —

If plan A doesn't work, usually there is a plan B like a safety catch, just to be sure.

But what if plan A isn't working and plan B is dead?

No matter how much Kim tried, he couldn't come up with any plan C or D. Chay's life was in danger and Big didn't know how to help besides stupid antibiotics and waiting, so that was all for plan A. And as for plan B...the plan was dead, literally.

Kim bit the inside of his cheek and walked past Big back into the room, their shoulders hitting each other as he went. "If she is dead then you have no choice. You'll save him no matter what. I'll wait."

"Didn't you hear me, Kim? I don't know how? We just have to hope his body will react positively to the antibiotics I gave him."

Kim grabbed a chair from the other side of the desk, which was standing in the right corner of the room, and placed it next to the examination table, sitting down by Chay's side. Kim looked at Big, "you know, I heard that you are the best young surgeon in the country. If this is the best we have than this country is pretty fucked."

Big sighed, adjusting the collar of his shirt that Kim so kindly messed up a couple of minutes ago. "Have you ever tried to talk to someone with respect? Kindness, maybe? Do you know the concept of that?"

"I never got that from someone before so how should I know how it works?" Kim shrugged, "what this shitty world gives me I always return back just the same. That's the reality, my dear friend."

Big walked to his desk and grabbed his keys, "you are really pathetic, you know that?" Big almost spit those words. "You can't play a victim forever! Yes, the nuns were awful to you and I felt fucking awful for you, but you can't go around and treat everyone the way you were treated when you were a child. It's not my fault! It's not Porchay's fault! It's not a fault of an innocent person you killed on a random Tuesday evening when you felt like it. I get that you are a fucking rogue hero and you are bound to be a criminal, but you can't forever hide behind 'no one showed love to me so I have no idea how to show love to someone else.' Sometimes... sometimes, Kimhan, we have to learn things without training wheels. Your problem is that you are too afraid to fall!"

"I thought you were a surgeon, not a psychiatrist," Kim fired back, his stone-cold expression hiding the raging storm inside of him. Too many thoughts were at too many places at once and he didn't know which one to follow, which one to disregard...and he wanted to be alone, he wanted to be alone, he wanted to be alone, alone, alone...

"I'm leaving. Don't even try to stop me, Kimhan. I can't help him now anyway."

Kim cocked an eyebrow, "do I look like I'm stopping you? Fuck off! I want to be alone with Chay."

"And you said you don't care," Big shook his head and mumbled under his breath as he turned around and left the room.

The moment the door fell in its place Kim let out a deep groan, putting his head in his hands. Kim...too afraid to fall? Kim was falling all his life, every day over and over again, no one ever stopped to help him, to ask him if he was okay, to fall alongside him so that he wouldn't feel alone. The vivid memory of Sister Ann watching him with her cold eyes, as the mud was getting under his fingernails and the rain was starting to feel like it was part of his skin, not something external that he could easily get rid of by simply drying himself off, entered his chaotic mind again. He could feel the mud on his skin again, he was sure that if his nails weren't painted black he would see the mud under his fingernails just like that day on the wet dirty ground when no one helped him after he fell. Fell. Fell...