Chapter 45. Past & Present

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— no one can change the past —

"Phi, I'm not sure that is the best time right now," Chay pressed his lips into a thin line and turned to Kim

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"Phi, I'm not sure that is the best time right now," Chay pressed his lips into a thin line and turned to Kim. Kim suddenly looked so small, so scared and vulnerable. Chay had never seen the little boy Kim who grew up in the convent, but this was probably the closest to how he looked.

"Please," Chay heard Tankhun's quiet voice behind himself. He carefully reached his hand and curled his fingers around Kim's wrist, pressing his thumb on Kim's pulse point, "baby, you don't have to talk to him right now. It's okay."

"I know," Kim nodded, but then he looked up at Chay, "but..."

"You want to?"

Kim shrugged, "just... I don't know... if you stay here. Just somewhere where I can see you."

Chay smiled and pressed a soft kiss on Kim's wrist, "of course, I'll stay. I'll be there," he pointed at the edge of the roof on the left. From there, he could watch airplanes approaching and flying off the airport in the distance. "Is that okay?"

Kim frowned, "yes, but don't go too close to the edge!"

"I won't baby, I promise," Chay gave Kim's wrist, one reassuring squeeze and turned to Tankhun. "He'll talk to you, phi, but please don't push him into anything. Kim will talk if he wants to."

Tankhun immediately nodded, a small simile appearing on his face—just glad that he could talk to his brother. "I won't push anything. I promise."

When Chay stepped away, Kim sat down again. He didn't trust his legs enough to keep him standing during the kind of conversation ahead of him. He had no idea what to do. What to say. How to react. How to feel. What to think. How was even a casual conversation between two brothers supposed to go? And should he call Tankhun phi? He didn't want to. If he was at it—not even Chay referred to him as phi. And thinking about it—Kim wouldn't even like that.

He wasn't looking at Tanhkun. Instead, he was looking in front of himself at the night sky and the artificial lights of the city. Somewhere down there, he could hear a siren. Cops. Deep inside of him, the faint hunger for violence ached, but he let it be. It could ache for a little longer before he would let it wake up again. He even knew exactly what would be the reason for it. His Chay was going to like it.

It was a warm hand on his shoulder that startled him. He looked to his right and moved a bit away. Tankhun looked hurt but took his hand away and let it rest in his lap.

"I'm sorry. I should have guessed that you wouldn't want me to touch you."

Kim nodded, "I don't like when people touch me... I just need time."

"Uhmm, I'm Tankhun. Your... eldest brother."

Kim huffed a short laugh, "yeah, I was told," fingers digging into his knees as he had his arms wrapped around them. He realized with pain in his chest that he had never looked this vulnerable in front of anyone besides Chay. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Uncomfortable.

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