In love with my bestfriend(s)

01

Tw talk of previous drug use. Body dysmorphia
(Mind that the first chapter never is so great )

3d person:

Y/n finally got home after an undercover case.
Their cases are pretty rough.
Flirting with men and them laying hands on them...y/n was sick of undercover work. They wanted to do the real work...profiling. they asked for a transfer a month ago and in 3 days is their first day at the Bau in Quantico.

Y/n already knew about profiling. How can you not with a brain like theirs? After all, it's doctor y/n y/L/n. They had a PhD. in psychology and logistics and linguistics.

They were preparing besides the fact that this last case was heavy mentally.
Y/n's cover was blown and the target shot himself in the head right in front of Y/n.
The sound of that gun shooting echoed in their ears.

Y/n got in a cold shower to get the blood spatters off of them. They stood there frozen...kept thinking about who that person was to someone else. He was someone's son. Even tho he did bad things...he was a person.
The way the situation escalated pressured the man into believing he had no way out.

Y/n stepped out of the shower and put on their noise-canceling headphones.
They were overstimulated and the sound of the cars outside didn't help. So they canceled it out and crawled into bed.

All alone with their mind...

I need a meeting

Thought y/n...they were a recovering addict they used to be addicted to cocaine. Specifically, crack cocaine...
3 years clean, but still the thoughts reappear sometimes.
It was late at night so y/n decided to go to sleep and go to a meeting in the morning...

Y/n's pov:

I got up and took my headphones off.
I walked over to the kitchen to make myself breakfast and to search up a AA meeting in the area. I haven't been to a meeting yet since I moved here a week ago. I finish my oatmeal breakfast and get to the meeting.

*at the meeting*

The chairs all sit in a round circle. Everyone was pretty nice and all share their story.
I sat waiting for my turn with a bottle of water that was provided for me.
Eventually, it's my turn...

"Hi I'm y/n and I'm a recovering addict"
Everyone says hi followed by my name.
"It's my first time here in Quantico. I just moved here...I'm a fbi agent. I usually do undercover work but in 3 days I start at the behavior analysis unit." A few people give a nod knowing what I'm talking about.

"I just finished my last undercover case yesterday...and eemmm....my cover got blown and the man I was supposed to arrest shot himself in front of me"
I take another breath.
"I've been clean for about 3 years. But the thoughts keep popping up at the slightest inconvenience" I went on.

"What was your drug of choice?" The guy asked who leads the meeting.
"Crack. I liked the high, the energy. I smoked it so it felt like a rush. It numbed me. But after the high. I always crashed" the guy nods.

I went on to talk about my feelings and after that people talk to me give advice or give ways to cope if I need it.

I stayed and listened to others people's stories. Trying to give advice to them sometimes helps you. It can take your mind off your own problems for a second but you might also want to listen to your own advice.

The 3 days went by quickly.
It was Thursday now, my first day.
Also, the first time I will meet Aaron Hotchner, we only talked on the phone.
I was scrambling through my closet trying to find appropriate clothes.
I had already put my chest binder on my bed but I start to doubt if that's a good idea...
I don't know I'm going to introduce myself. Agent Hotchner knows my pronouns already since they are in my file. But should I wear my binder?

I move to my bathroom mirror and stare and my chest.
Why did I get such big boobs?
Even when I wear my binder I'm still not flat-chested. I thought about surgery but on some fem days, I actually don't hate my boobs that much. Just wish they were smaller.

I decided to put my binder on and continued to look in the mirror.
I looked at my side profile of my body and kept stroking my hands over my chest.
I hated that I still looked so fem.
I hated that the day I meet the team was such a day. Such a bad dysmorphia day.
I hated my body so much. Sometimes I could almost take the knife to my own chest. I usually live In-between genders. Not fem not masc. But on days where I do lean more to 1. I hated myself so much. On fem days I hated my body hair and shave it all off. I let my hair down. But u never wear a dress or skirt. On masc days I hated that I shaved and I hate my chest ofc. I put my hair up which has an undercut. Putting it up in a bun made me look a bit more masc. It's the best hairstyle for me.

Today I was In-between like most days. Besides the chest then.
I put on something like this...

I decided to leave my hair loose. I felt good enough in this outfit. I put on my rings and necklaces. And look in the mirror one last time.
"Yea okay I'm putting my hair up" I say out loud.
I finally finished getting ready and I take my jacket.

It was 8 pm. I was supposed to be in by 9 but I wanted to be early.

"O shit" I say as I forgot to pack a To- go bag and take my leather backpack with me.
I quickly packed some clothes. And an extra binder.

I get to my car and stop for a coffee. I bought 3. 1 for me, for Strauss, and for agent Hotchner. I wanted to make a good first impression.