In love with my bestfriend(s)

059

Its been 2 days.
I took time off from work. I can't work with the feeling of betrayl and anger anymore. I thought I'd push it down and act mature about it. But they would have left me die to keep a secret. I'm more upset with jj and hotch than with Emily. I realise she did what she did to survive. Although hurts.

My relationship with jj and Aaron is never going to be the same again. As I was about to head to work again someone nocked on my door.
I look trough the door to see who it is.
As I open it I say "Hey dave" wondering what he's doing here.

He just wanted to pick me up. The whole car ride was silent. "Aaron wants to talk to you" he said before we arrived.

I walk straight trough the bureau to hotch's desk.
"Y/l/n close the door and sit down."
I do so.
And sit down infront of him with my arms crossed.
"So are you going to fire me" I asked with an attitude.
"No but this behaviour needs to stop" hotch said pointing toward my hand that was stilll injured.

"So what I can't have feelings anymore. Emily is only back for what like 2 week. And I'm supposed be over everything already?"
Hotch sighs and sits down himself.

"That is not what I meant. But u can't go around punching walls"
He explains.
I look away towards the window directed to the bullpen. My eyes locked with Spencers. I could see the sympathy in his eyes. But also the worry.

"You and jj would have let me die. Infact you did." I say with tears in my eyes.

"Your still alive" hotch said with bif eyes.
"No thanks to you. You could have told me"
"I couldn't it would gave jeopardised Emily's safety" he explained.

"So Emily's life is worth more then mine" a tear slipped from my cheek.
I open the door and walk out to look over the bullpen where everyone was working.
"Let me ask you all a question "  I yelled. Everyone stopped and looked at me.
"If I had died to my battle with addiction or my deppresion which I almost did. How would you have felt if emily came back? But I was actually gone all bc jj and hotch thought her life ment more then mine"

Emily looked down.
"I don't think I would survive either" she said. Her response shocked me.
"Wait y/n you don't actually think we value Emily's life more then yours do you?" Jj asked

"Ofc I do, otherwise you would have told me" I said while walking down.
"I almost did!" She yelled. I stopped in my tracks.
"Infact I actually did." I turn to her.
"You were so high when I told you, I told you and you started talking like emily was in the room with us. And the next morning you didn't remember."

I look down in tears. "You told me?" I asked as my voice breaks.
"I did too" hotch walks out to the bullpen.
I look in disbelief.
"I told you somewhere in the beginning. Both jj and I were unsure if we should tell you since we didn't want you to go looking for emily." 

"When did you tell me" I asked while whiping my tears.
"You were staying with Rossi. I told you when I thought you had sobered up. When I thought you were going to get clean. But you just hid the drug use from us making us believe you were clean."  Hotch explained.

"I have alot if holes in my memories through out those months"

It was quite for a second. " there are some moment in the voice mails you sent me, where you asked if I was hiding from doyle and if I was coming back. But then you switched back to believing I was dead"

"Voicemails?" Derek asked. Hotch, jj, Rossi and penelope looked confused aswell.

"From the second y/n thought I died they send me voice mails about... wel about everything" emily explained.

"I need to leave" I said before running out the building. Why keep the fact that they tried to tell me as a secret?