In love with my bestfriend(s)

037

Tw drugs

The next day I called up dave.

Rossi: moi bambino, I've been worried about you?!

I was silent, all I wanted was to cry. I hated the feeling. I hated feeling in general. My body was supper sweaty and I was drinking alot from the withdrawal. They were heavier.

Y/n: I am so sorry

I cry out.

Rossi: o y/n. What happend kiddo?
Y/n: I need you to come pick me up at the hospital.

I had to take multiple breathes. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Rossi: what happend?! You know what, I'll just come immediately. Hold on kid.
Y/n: dave? Thank you.

The call ended, I was exhausted from those small sentences. I couldn't stay awake any longer.

I got woken up not long after. Rossi stood next to me with a wheelchair in hand. His eyes had tears in them. "I'm so sorry" I say as a nurse helps me in the wheelchair.
They pulled out my iv. And rossi drove me out.
"I'm so sorry" I repeated myself again.
"I'm just glad you called me" he finnaly answered.

Rossi drove me home and got me settled in the guest room.
"They told me to give you this. It makes the withdrawal easier"
I took it. The faster the withdrawals are over, I can use again without anyone knowing. But rn I'm going through hell. My body is burning from the withdrawal. But it also longs for emily.

My heart feels like its been split into pieces. And I haven't been able to breath since I heard jj say those words.
When Rossi left me to sleep. I left another voicemail for emily.

"I'm alive" is the first I say.
"But I wish I wasn't"
"My arms are weak from the attempt, and my body is burning from withdrawal. But all that is nothing compared to the pain I feel towards your death. You've been gone for a week? Maybe 2? Time is different now your gone." I wipe another tear in her memory.

"Your long dark hair, that beautiful nose. Those little soft lips. Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped."

I stay in that room day and night. Looking at my scars on my arm. Wishing I had done it right.

Time passes by. Another week passed. 3 weeks since her death.
Rossi finnaly let's me outside. Now I can get drugs again.
I was taking my coat to go for a 'walk'.
"Y/n you should know something" dave said to me. I stand still for a moment.
"Hotch is looking to replace prentiss"
My heart dropped. Replace her?! Nobody can replace her! Just like nobody can fix my heart.

"What?! She's been gone for 3 weeks and he already wants to replace her?!"
Rossi takes a breath.
"A month y/n" I look at him confused.
"It's been a month. You've been stuck in that bed for 2 weeks." I know I was in that room for a few days but 2 weeks?

I just walk out the door. How can they replace her. How can they get over her so quickly. I still see her when I fall asleep. Only she's not to touch or to hold. I see her everywhere.

I walk to the location me and my dealer decided on.
"Thought you got clean again?" He scuffed.
"Nah, not this time" I immediately light up the krack while handing out the payment.
Funny how life always leads me back to this. I am no better of than I was ten years ago.

I walk to the bau building. Haven't been inside since emily died. Haven't seen the team since the funeral. I snort a little for courage. Besides in my wall over here the high already ended. I've come to prefer coke powder. Besides it ruining my nose. The makes the pain disappear. When I don't use it, and sometimes even when I do. I just don't want to live.

I walk in that elevator. I kept thinking of emily. Its like I could feel her.
I walk in the bullpen and see her desk. Her empty desk. I didn't even notice the team until I was being hugged. "Y/n?! O sugar how are you doing?!" Penelope held me tight. I just gave into to her. I need her positive aura. I wish I could be like her, cope like a normal human being.

For God sakes I'm Doctor in pshychology I shouldn't call drug use "abnormal" coping. I don't feel like a doctor tho. I feel dumb and stupid, and so freaking useless when emily was going through at of that.
"Kid are you okay? Did something happen" Rossi asked.

It seems he hasn't told the team about my attempt or relapse. "Nothing happend. I just walked by"

I notice derek walking out the batroom. The team all gave me hugs. Derek just looked at me for a moment.
"Hey" I say to him. He was her bestfriend.
He walked in a paced over to me and held me in his strong grip.
"You can't leave me aswell. I can't loose 2 bestfriends" he wisperd. I didn't even know I was worth so much to him.
"I'm sorry for everything " I say to the team.

I held Spencers hand. He rubbed his fingers gently over my long sleeves. Knowing  the scar that lies underneath.  He looked better. Hurt but better. I'm always so stuck in my own pain that I forget everyone else's.
"What's hotch doing?" I ask towards jj.  I sae him in his offices calling and calling.

The team was quite. "Yk how I told you he's being searching for a replacement?" Rossi looks at me.
"Yeah?"
"He found one" jj answered.
I got shills over my body. So fast? I wonder who the bitch or dick is that's replacing emily. My emily. I hold on to my necklace.

"You still wear that?" Spencer asked.
I look down to it. " it's all I have left of her." I say with a broken smile.

"When is the bitch or mother fucker replacing her coming" the team looks at me with wide eyes.

"Be nice" I hear hotch say. He's growing a beard. It's slow tho.
"She'll be coming tomorrow" hotch walks closer to me.
"Good to see too again " he hold me and quickly let's go.
"Let's talk"