In love with my bestfriend(s)

056

Next day: meeting emily for coffee.

I was waiting around the usual coffee spot I go too. I was so tired I wish caffeine worked for me but nope. Spencer kept me up all night. And for a couple that usually mean something else... but we talked about facts the whole night. It was fun tho. I felt more like myself.

I finnaly saw emily In the distance. Why does she look so darn good for a dead woman.
"Hi" I said as she came closer.
"Hey y/n, thanks for wanting to meet for coffee"
I smile awkwardly.

We get inside and both order our coffee. Same as usual. It's like nothing has changed except everything has changed.
"Can I first ask. Are you sober?" My last few voicemails I sent I was still high.
"Eem yeah. Just 3 months actually. Passed my 90 days. I still do meetings almost everyday. Especially theses last 3 days...." a silence fell.

The waiter brought out coffee when emily started to apologise for everything.
"Em- em stop" I tried to interupt her.
"No y/n pls. I'm sorry I left you and I'm sorry I lied and that I made jj and hotch lie. But if you knew I was alive it could have indangerd you. And I didn't want you to get hurt"

As if I didn't get hurt now. But ofc I didn't say that.
" Spencer made me realise that. But emily I can't help that i feel betrayed. Left behind. Those ate my feelings and yes I do want to forgive you but I need time, those feelings need to pass for me to be able to fully forgive you. And even them I can never forget."
Emily looked sad at my response but she looked liked she understood.

"I understand, your feelings are valid. And I also know where my feelings stand" emily takes my hand. It's been a long time since I felt her touch. I haven't toucher her since she vit back. The last time I touched her she coded in that ambulance.
"I still love you y/n. Pls tell me you didn't move on"
She knows I'm with Spencer. How can she ask me this. And why am I still holding her hand?

I slowly pull back my hand.
"You were gone for 7 months. I thought you died. I'm allowed to move on" I explain to her.
I'm allowed but I still love her.
"Wel did you" she asked me despaired

I was silent for a moment.
"I loved you deeply. And you being back is very confusing . But where ever my feelings stand I'm with Spencer I can't do that to him"
Emily looked Hurt. Like she expected a diffrent outcome. Like she could win me over.

I stand up.
"I'm sorry em I should go"
I walk but after only 3 steps I stand still and walk back.
"Hug me" I say. Emily stand up and I just hold her.
"I missed you" I whisper. Her hair still smells the same. Her skin, her touch it all feels the same. So comfortable.
I slowly back out the hug and go back home.
The whole walk home my mind thinks back to her. To that hand holding. To that hug. To her saying she loved me.

I find myself driving towards jj house.
I need my friend I need to talk about the feelings I have towards both Spencer and emily.
Alex Is busy today. And penelope just can't keep a secret. But I'm still so mad at jj.

My thoughts get interupted as someone knocks on my car window.
It's will. I lower my window.
"Would you like to come in y/n?" He asked.

"Is jj home?" I ask nervous.
"She's picking Henry up from school but you cam wait inside "

I sit still hesitant. But finally walk inside. I haven't been in their home much. maybe 1 time?

Will gives me a glass of water.
"Jj told me what happend. I was shocked aswell" he sat down next to me on the couch.

"Yea" I just respond
Everything was going through my head all at once.
"This was a bad idea I should go" i stand up about to leave.
"Y/n wait" I stand in my tracks.
"You obviously came here for something. Just talk to her" will convinced me. I really do need to talk to her.
I sat back down on the couch.

After a couple of minutes jj arrived.
Henry saw me first "y/n!!" He said excited and ran towards me.
I opend my arms to hug hi, he ran straight in them. "Hi bud" I stroked my hand over his back and roughed up his hair.
"Are you here to play with me?" He asked. "Uncle Spencer thought me magic tricks want to see?" He said very excited. "Ofc but cam I talk to your mom first?" He nodded and asked me to come and find him I'm his room after.

"Y/n is everything okay?" Jj asked. She knew I was still mad.
She came to sit next to me and will went to help Henry with his homework.
"I'm still mad at you. But can we pretend that everything is okay? I really need to talk to you"
I said to jj.
"Ofc what is it" she then stood up to get us both some wine. I walked after her and sat infront of her e at the kitchen counter.

"Things with Spencer are going great. And I really like him and I wanne move forward. But now Emily's back and-" jj interupted me.
"And that makes things different bc u still have feelings for her" Jj said more as a statement than a question. So I nodded.

She gave me my glass, I took a big sip before continuing. Jj immediately filled it again.
"Spencer knows and understands this but I don't think emily does. I went to talk to her today-" jj lit up she probably thinks I fully forgave emily and so I will forgive her too. But I didn't. Not yet.

"- she told me she still love me. And it's driving me insane bc she touched my hand and all I wanted to do was kiss her. But I couldn't. And I saw how disappointed she was when I told her I stand with Spencer. Ugh"
I drink another big sip of wine. And let ny head fall on the kitchen counter.
"I don't know what to dooooo"

Jj gave me some helpfully advise. That my feelings for emily at the moment might be based on her return and are temporary. Since the last few weeks I spend with Spencer I hadn't thought wbout her as much. Or not in a romantic way. She also told me I should continue being open to both of them about my feelings so there is no way it could be seen as cheating or something.

I dont want to hurt anyone so honestly might be best.
"What If my feelings for emily don't go away?" Jj took a moment to think.
"Go on dates with both if them and pick" she said as if it where easy.

"Both of them?!" I said shocked.
"Yea but ofc you need to tell them and set rules" our conversation fell to a silence. I was about to pack up when jj spoke again.
"Y/n I want to apologise-" but I stopped her.
"Thanks jj for this but I'm still mad and u continuing to apologise is only making it worse. Just give me space. And if I'm ready to take a step closer like I did today. I will come to you okay?! For now we can talk about work. Only work. But if something happens like today it will be am exception. Okay?" Jj nods. I know im asking alot. But it's not in my nature to just forgive and forget. My feelings were hurt. It take time.