In love with my bestfriend(s)

013

Tw talk of conversion therapy and drug use

Rossi, Morgan and jj were all respective and stayed quiet.
They whispered to eachother but I couldn't hear what they were saying anyway.
Hotch texted us saying that we should sleep and we will leave to quantico tomorrow morning.

I didn't say anything and immediately walk to my hotel room.
I take off my headphones to hear complete silence. My head felt like 1 big fog. I decided to take a shower. The water on my skin calms me down. I brush my teeth and realise I haven't done it in awhile. I forget alot...and sometimes taking care of myself just seems like too big a task.

But in this moment I do. I finish brushing my teeth and put up my hair. I get into more comfortable clothes. I constantly forget what I was going to do and walk in and out of the bathroom until I just leave it and go to sleep.

It usually takes me a while to fall asleep but i feel like a brick. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The next day I decided to go to another AA meeting.
I walk in and sat down. I noticed a face a recognised. Spencer...I didn't know he was an addict too. I was a bit uncomfortable that I was going to have to share my feelings infront of him. And talk about the urge.
But I had to, eventually it was my turn. I share that we were to late to To save a little girl. And about what the unsub said to me. Also that I felt ashamed about being overwhelmd and that the team knows that that happens to me alot.

Spencer also shares his feelings over the case and talks about his mom. Apparently she has schizophrenia. That must not have been easy for him growing up either...
When the meeting was over I walk over to Spencer.

"Hi, I didn't expect to see anyone I know around here" I say to him
"Me neither. Want to get some coffee?" Spencer asked. He gave me a kind smile.
"Sure" I smile at him and we drove to a coffee shop. We orderd and sat down on a couch.

"So can I ask about your story with using? You don't have to share" I don't want to overstep but it was nice knowing that spencer and I have that incomen.
"I was kidnapped and drugged, using dilaud. I got addicted and continuid using before getting clean. It's been a year"
Spencer said and takes a sip from his coffee.
"Wow a year! I'm proud of you" I smile at him. The way he smiled back made me blush a little.
I look down and sip my coffee.
"What's your story?" He asked.
My smile immediately faded.

"It's pretty heavy, idk if you want to hear it"
Spencer reached for my hand.
And smiled at me. So I knew it was okay.

"My father was an abusive alcholic, mostly to my mom. He found me kissing another girl and sent me to some sort of camp. Using conversion therapy...and electroshock."
I swallow for a second.
I haven't told anyone about it besides my therapist.
"Rossi and Gideon, shut it down and arrested the owners and workers. Since electroshock is illegal but conversion therapy wasn't so, and still not in most states."
I drink a sip of my coffee.
"So that's how you met Rossi and why you 2 are so close" I nodd at him.

"I was 15 when I came in and 16 when I left. My dad was never to be seen again and child services put me in the forster system. My mom also neglected me, didn't care for me much and was verbally abusive. So I was a Foster kid. I got help for my ptsd from a nice couple who took ne in for a few months. But ever ptsd attack felt so real and I didn't want to feel so I got addicted to crack, cocaine. "
I take another sip of my coffee. I'm oversharing but it feels nice to be able to confide in Spencer.

" I stayed in the system till 18. Than I lived in my car. Rossi took me in for awhile but I felt badly. I didn't want it to be temporary and I felt like a burden so I ran off. I was on and off drug. Trying to make a living. I stayed of for a while and got a job and landed a scholarship for my first PhD. But I relapsed a couple of times. I'm 3 years clean now"
I drink the last from my coffee and finally look Spencer in the eyes.

My sigh was blurry from the tears i held in.
"You should be really proud of yourself. You went through all of that and pulled yourself up, got 3 PhD's. Made a living. And it must not have been easy coming to terms with your identity. 3 years is impressive y/n" I smile at him.
"It's nice to have someone to talk to about this" I say to him.

We continued talking about some lighter subjects. And Spencer walked me back to my car.
"Don't take this as offence in anyway but have I have noticed you have some symptoms of adhd" Spencer said to me

(I hate the word symptoms bc it's not a disease but idk what other word to use. )
"What? I don't..." I look confused to Spencer.

"Okay name some symptoms" he asked me.
So I did.
"Hyperactive. Not being able to focus sometimes. Difficult to sit still. Talks fast. Bad time management. Impulsive. Sensory issues. Fidgeting. Sometimes it's difficult for them to do basic stuff like shower or brushing teeth. Can't really wait their turn to speak, Especially when exited about something . They put off things, and it's way more difficult to do things they don't like. Sometimes they get stuck in adhd paralysis. Forgetfulness and losing things. Changing hobbies alot...they usually have learning difficulties like dyslexia. And can have sleeping problems"
I summom up.

"And how much of what you said fits with you?" Spencer asked.
I look at him in realisation.
"Fuck! All of the above! How did I not realise I studied psychology"
I pace around a bit and play with my fingers.
"Do I have adhd?!"

(I myself have adhd, so I will mostly write about how I experience it like with the drinking coffee. It doesn't have much effect on me but it can make other people with adhs tired or boost their hyperactivity or help them focus)