In love with my bestfriend(s)

039

Tw drugs. Talk if suicide
*next morning *

I slept on the couch. I couldn't even manage to get myself into bed. I got high as a kite again. But it didn't make all the bad stuff go away. It just hurts a little less. But I need it to hurt alot less. I need it to stop.

"You slept on the couch?" Dave asked. I got a little startled.
"Yeah" he hands me a coffee, and
I sit up straight so he can join me on the couch.

I take a sip of my coffee. "Isn't it funny that I continue to drink coffee in the morning eventhough it never had an effect on me"

"I think its weird you would drink the coffee from the police stations if you don't get woken up from it. But hey who am I to judge" I laugh at daves comment. Its true. Those coffees can really suck.
"Are you coming to work to meet the new agent?" Rossi asked while walking into the kitchen to make breakfast. I wasn't in the mood to eat though. I wasn't in the mood for anything really.

"Not if I can stalk the new agent online" I say with a smile. My body felt hot, and longed for drugs again.
But I couldn't let dave see that.
"Did penelope teach you or something?
"I lived In my car and hung with the wrong people. I picked up a few things"
"If you stalk them online you won't know if they're kind"

"Stop sounding like a Disney caracter"
"What does that mean?" Rossi laughed.

My smile slipped again.
"All waar ik om geef is het feit dat de nieuwe agent, emily gaat vervangen. En dat maakt het meer echt. Dat is een reden genoeg om haar niet leuk te vinden"

= translate from Dutch
( all I care about is the fact that the new agent is going tj replace emily. And that makes it more real. Its a good enough reason to hate her already)

"Yeah I still don't speak dutch" Rossi hands me my breakfast.

Rossi and I had breakfast.  I went into the batroom quick to get my dosis of coke . He convinced me to come along to meet the new agent. But refuses to tell me her name so I won't pre judge her. I wear my jogings like usual, but decided to put a they/ them pin on it. I don't feel like explaining my gender identity or getting mis gendered.

I walk in the bullpen and set my eyes on penelope. But before I could ask I get a hand on my mouth. "No don't harras p to tell you about the new agent" I hear derek. The hand on my mouth made me scared. Like I was suffocating eventho his hand was gently placed.
I roll my eyes. And put my hand on his arm. I managed to get a hold if Derek and flip him over me.

His body fell to the ground.
"Sorry bro but don't do that again" I reach out my hand to help him up.
He takes it with a smile.
"You scare me sometimes" Spencer said.
"I won't harras you penelope, but pls I need to know something" I beg.

"Her name is Alex Blake" I hear someone behind. The new agent...its Alex ?!
"Alex?" I ask.
"Y/n?!"
"Dammit I wanted to hate you" I can't really hate her when I know and like her.

She moves in to hug me. I felt weird. She still looks the same.
"You 2 know eachother?" Jj asked.
"Eem yeah, y/n would take my classes. And we became friends. You look different"
"Yeah well alot happend"

Alex introduced herself to everyone. Ofc Spencer knows her.

After, she settled down. And took Emily's desk. That hurt my heart. She realised it.
"Hey y/n why don't we catch up" I nodd and we walk into jj old desk room.  I was worried about what she wanted to ask. Why I look like a mess?
"Let's start with the light stuff" she said with a sigh.
I laughed " there is no light stuff"
She gave me her worried look.
"No don't do that" I pointed at her.
"Y/n your definitely struggling with something. But I get if that's to much to say rn so why don't you just update me on what happend in your life?"

She pulled out a chair for me to sit on.
"You asked for it" I warned her.
" in the first few months of me joining the team I found out I have adhd and an iq of 181. 1 point lower than Spencer. My crazy ex stalker found me. I got kidnapped and tortured, by John ferno. He killed my mom infront of me. Used electric shock and raped me. I had an abortion.  I relapsed. I got clean again..." just a summary.

She looks shocked.
"And that's not what your struggling with now?"
I turn away.
"Y/n look at me" She took my hand. I look her jn the eyes and she gave me her worried sympathetic look.
"Your Barley holding on aren't you?"

I can't help it, a tear escaped. I wipe it away. "Yeah but it's fine" .
"Tell me" I'm going to have to tell a therapist anyway. So it might be good to confide in Alex first.
"I'm sure hotch told about who your replacing?" She nods.
"Yeah well emily was my girlfriend"
She understood now.
"Are you using rn?" She asked serious.

She placed her hand a little higher on my arm. Rubbed her thumb over it.
"No I just got clean" I lied.
She looks down at my arm. Revealing a little piece of the scar from my attempt. She pulled up my sleeves more.
"Omg y/n" the deep scar on both my wrist brought her to tears.
I pull my arms away and hide the scars.
"Like you said, I'm barely holding on "
I lock eyes with her again. They are filled with tears and fear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you"
Alex stands up and gives me a hug.
"I know your high rn"
I back up and look scared. "I won't tell if you promise me you will try to get clean. And don't lie to me"
I hate it.