In love with my bestfriend(s)

023

Tw relapse

It was time for us to go to sleep. I lay myself in the guestroom I keep a light on but I cant close my eyes. I feel so scared. I feel like John is breathing down my neck.
I get up and walk to penelope's room.
"I don't want to bother but-"
"What is it pumpkin?" Penelope asked.
"I'm to scared to sleep alone"
Penelope patted the bed suggested I can come in. I crawl under the blanket next to hers.

"Want to hold my hand while you sleep?" She asked. I nodd my head and take her hand. I feel like such a child.

*2 days passed*

I've been sleeping in penelope's bed. Showering multiple times a day. The team was coming back today, so I force myself out of bed. Which I've been lying in for the past 2 days.
Hotch wanted to talk with me so I didn't have a choice.

I just wear loose clothes, making sure every inch of me is coverd.
The car drive in penelope's yellow beetle was quiet. I had my head phones on trying to distract myself from my thoughts.
We are I've and stil I sit quietly behind my desk waiting for the team to arrive. It felt weird sitting behind my desk, like everything I went through the couple of days, just didn't happen.

But it did.

I see the team walking out the elevator, I don't went to get bombarded with question or hugs  I don't want to feel a single hand  on my body. So I get up and immediately walk to hotch's office.

I sit and look out the window. I put my feet up on the chair and hug my legs. I see everyone looking at me in worry. So I get up and let to curtains down. I let myself fall down to the ground and break Down in tears.

Hotch opens to door and sees me sitting on the ground.
"I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be here. And just resume my life. How am I me again? I can't breath and can't think I cant do anything" I cry pleading.
Hotch bows down to my level.

"With help. Have you been to therapy? Or to a meeting"  hotvh asked. I shake my head and hide my face behind my hands.

"I can't talk about" I say crying.
"I hate that I have to day this, but you have too. John is going on trail and we need you to give a testimony on what happend when the camera turned off. We have evidence for the rest but. Y/n what happened to you...in that room?."  Hotch asked.

I take my hands off my face and look him dead in the eye.
"Nothing"
"Y/n" he sighs. "I don't ever want to remember okay!" I scream at him.
"Okay, you don't have to tell me. The evidence is already enough to put him away for life"

I wipe away my tears.
"But y/n pls get help" I slowly stand up. "I don't need help"
"Y/n"
"Don't y/n me! Y/n died in that room! They are gone" I open the door and storm out.

I saw everyone looking at me but I ignored them all. I storm out on the street. It was daylight but there got to be some dealers. I look in every street until a find I guy. I walk up to him and whisper.
"You've got some crack?" I ask him.
He nodds.
"How much you want?"
"All of it"

The teams pov:

Y/n just stormed out.
"What happend?" Emily asked.
"They are refusing help" hotch said looking down.

Strauss walked in searching for y/n.
"Now is not a good time to call them up erin" Rossi told her.
"Fine I'll start with you all, I want a report on everything that happend!" Strauss said angry.  She walked out along with rossi.
"What the hell is she doing," Derek said angry.
"She's running an investigation" hotch answered.

Y/n's pov:

I got home and immediately lit up my first roll. I feel the chemicals entering my Lungs and brains. My feelings go numb and I let myself fall back on the couch. I was alone in my own apartment. Getting high after 3 years.

I wanted a break from my mind, from my feelings.