In love with my bestfriend(s)

038

Hotch guided me to his office.
"Just wait one second" he said before walking out.

I was getting nervous so I subtlety snort some coke that I had put in a tissue.

After a few minutes of waiting, that felt like forever. Hotch walked back in...with strauss.
She gave me a sturn look.
"How long have you been clean?"
She asked directly.

"15 days mam" I lie quickly. The team believes its been 15 days. It would have been if I could have stand to feel the way I feel. But i can't.

"You've been here for almost 2 years and this is the second time you've relapsed. Should I expect more...?!" She set sturn. Damn I hate that bitch. But sadly she might need to expect more.

Hotch sat down and stayed don't of it for now. "With all do respect mam but I can smell the booze from here. You have no right to judge me. Besides I didn't do drugs on the job. So you have no probable cause to fire me therefore i should get back to work as soon as I get cleared."
Strauss looks shocked at me.

"Y/n you know the drill, therapy and clearens. Plus you need to go to meetings, regularly" hotch said to me. He knows I have benefits going regularly. Spencer told him. I can't be mad at him, he caress for me. I would do the same. Only I hate it.

I hate lying about being clean, and going to meeting high. Lying to Profiler is hard but lying to my sponsor who can tell when someone is high, is damn near impossible.
"Right " I respond to him.
"Your free to leave" strauss says in an angry tone.

Looks like I'm going to need to go get a pshyc evalv. And lie again, and probably do it again if my lie gets exposed.
I walk out of hotch's office. Its weird seeing people operate as if nothing happend. As if emily didn't just die. As if there world didn't change at all, while mine caved in.

I hold on the her necklace again, I forget at times that I have it on. And god did I freak when I missed placed it, a couple of hundred times. Having an adhd brain pluss all these unpleasant thoughts. It's exhausting. There are 1 million thing going through my y head at the same time.

It used to be, don't forget this don't forget that! O I want pasta. Could this killer be a woman? Pink fluffy unicorn.  I should tell emily I love her.

That was my head. But now it's.
Drugs, I don't think I can do this anymore. 'I'd give up forever to touch you.....and I don't want to world to see  me cause don't think they'd understand!'. Emily, she's gone. And I didn't tell her I loved her.  But everyone so nice to my ican't wamt to Hurt them by killing myself.... and thats not even half of it.

When you have 1 million thoughts rushing through your head, it's already alot. But when they're all dark...

"Y/n?" My thoughts go to the background when I feel jjs hand on my shoulder. "Y/n? Are you okay?"
She asked.
"Yeah, I'm great." I say with a fake smile. "You all just move on like nothing happend. Like emily isn't getting replaced only 1 month after her death. I don't get how you all can just get back to work, my world stopped! Emily was my world, and she didn't even know it. I'm going back to the house" the last sentence was directed to rossi as I whipe my tears.

"I'm sure she knew pumpkin " Penelope said as I slowly walk away. I stop before opening the glass doors to exit the bullpen.
"She didn't" I look down.
"I never said I loved her. We dated for months and I never said it. She didn't want to rush. She wasn't ready yet and I respected that. But I never told her when I should have. I didn't even tell her when she was responsive in the ambulance. I'm sorry," my voice broke. I couldn't manage to face the team before walking out.

"Y/n" Spencer said after me. I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. But I didn't stop for him either. Although he's the only one who truly knows what I'm feeling. As he struggles with sobriety aswell. That's why I stay clear of him. I don't want to make it harder than it already is. But I could really use a hug from him and get coffee and excitingly talk about a book like old times.

Only old times are gone.