In love with my bestfriend(s)

040

Tw talk of suicide, drugs
*next day*

I was in rossi's guest room. With a bag of coke in hand. I can't get clean. But I cant keep lying. All I keep thinking about is making and end to it. But what if I run? I can keep using. I wasn't sure what to do. 

I promised Alex I would try.
I leave another voicemail on Emily's phone.
"So the new agent turns out to be a friend of mine. She knows I'm not clean. She made me promise to try. I hate that I keep making promises like that. I hate lying. But I cant not use. It'd bigger than me. I'm way over my head. I keep disappointing everyone. Maybe I should just give up? But make it last this time. Or should I run off? Idk what to do-"
" this mailbox is full"

I left to many messages. What do I do?

*knock knock*

I quickly hide my bagy under the bed.
"Come in" I yell.
Rossi opens the door.
"I just wanted to come and say that we have a case." He looked worried. He probably didn't want to leave me alone.
"It's okay you can go".
"You can stay here. Penelope can come and check up on you. " I nodd.
All I wanted to say was 'I need help' but I couldn't ask for it.

Rossi closed the door on his way out. Now I'm alone. I haven't been completely alone since the attempt. And now I'm already thinking about it again.

I layed in bed all day thinking about it. Should I run? I should probably leave on good terms than.

So I text the team individually.

To derek:
Hey just want to apologise for pining you to the ground 😅.

To Spencer:
I never thanked you for keeping my attempt private. And for being with me in the hospital. Eventho your struggling yourself you where there for me. We should really get another coffee and talk about a book, it's been awhile...

To rossi:
Forgot to say something before you left. I love you. And thanks for letting me stay.

And so on.
I slowly got responds.

Derek: ha no worries. Aye maybe we could do a work out together? Could be fun right?

Y/n: yea sure. Imma crush you.

Spencer and rossi responded aswell. That it's no big deal and that they are there for me.

I try to close my eyes and fall asleep when penelope called.

P: y/n is everything okay?
Y/n: yeah why?

I say sleepy.

P:ow nothing I just wanted to check up on you. Is it okay of I come by?

She was probably worried bc of the text. Or the team was worried. But today was not going to be the day.

Penelope came by and it was nice. But after she left the depression hit again. I can't do this. I need to get away.

I pack my drugs leave my phone. Take some water and food. And leave.

I walk through the streets and went home. My car was still In the parking lot. I haven't been in my apartment. I decided to go inside.

I open the door of my apartment and see that the blood is cleaned up. My neighbours must have done it. I look in all my spots to find some of my drugs. Jackpot. I open the Cubert in the batroom and find a small bag. With some coke left in it.

That's all I need. I made my peace. I have my drugs.

* 1 day later, the teams pov*

Penelope was worried about y/n. They  kept dissociating yesterday and rhet gave Penelope this present. Y/n had these cute mugs that Penelope loved. And they just gave her, their favorite.

"How's y/n?" Rossi asked penelope In-between their conversation about the case.
"I'm not sure, they kept dissociating. I know it is part of their adhd but I think it was more than that. I think they are worse if than they like to admit. But then they had these moments . Actually it was really funny y/n told me about this undercover case and-"
Penelope got interrupted.

"Garcia" Rossi said to stop Penelope from rambling about the story.

"Right I'm getting to the point. Y/n gave me their favourite mug. It was actually really sweet. I had some troubles with Kevin so they gave it to cheer me up." Penelope went on to explain.

"Wait they just gave it like that?" Jj questioned when she overheard rossi in the set up room.
"What mug garcia?" Alex asked.
"Ow this cute mug with a unicorn on it and the handle is shaped like a heart."

Alex sighed worried.
"What is it?" Spencer asked. Everyone got invested at this point
"It's a mug y/n got from one of their Foster siblings." Alex explained.

"Y/n was in the Foster system?" Derek asked.
"After y/n got out of conversion therapy and their dad left. Child services placed them in a group home. But they also stayed In a few Foster homes. Some bad other were amazing but y/n never got adopted" Spencer explained.

"The first Foster home they laned in was amazing for them. They got them therapy for their ptsd. But when y/n started doing drugs they kicked them out." Rossi added.
"The mug they got was from that family. Y/n was their with a younger girl. The family adopted that girl so y/n kept contact. They wouldn't just give that mug away" Alex explained.

Alex knew everything about y/n. Even more than rossi did. Rossi is like a father to y/n and you don't  really tell all the gory details to your dad.

"O no" Penelope said as they realised what this could mean.
"Get over to then rn!" Hotch said to penelope on the phone.

Penelope ended the call and asked another agent to join her to rossi house. Only to find it empty. The team was worriedly waiting for a call.

And Alex was getting more ans more nervous to say something.

"Okay I need to say something" Alex finnaly breaks. The team looks at her.
"When I was reunited with y/n 2 days ago. I- they were high." The team looks shocked.
"They've been hiding it the whole time."

It was hard for Spencer to hear.
"I didn't say anything bc they promised me to get clean. I thought u would give them a chance"

"Addicts lie, as someone with a PhD in pshychology you should know that!" Spencer said upset.

Jj and Derek held him back.
"Hey! Reid calm down. Yes blake should Have said something but y/n also has a PhD in pshychology they know how to hide it. Let's not get mad rn and just try to be their for y/n" Derek said.

Spencer walked out angry. Jj followed him while the rest of the team went back to the case. While impatiently waiting for a call.

After about 10 minutes Spencer came back to talk to Blake.
"Could be speak privately?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah sure. We have to go down to the mourge so let's talk on the way" Alex said. They both step in the car.
Alex say quitly waiting for Spencer to speak before driving.

"I just feel guilty. I eem- I have a history with dilaud addiction. I should have know-" Spencer starts to talk

"Their was no way. Y/n used to be an undercover agent, lying was their job.   And like you said addicts lie. Don't blame yourself" Alex tried to reasure him.
"Yeah but y/n relapsed before. And I reconized the sign, I helped them. So why didn't I reconize it now?" Spencer said.

"You and agent prentiss were close right? Just how close you are to y/n?" Alex questioned.

Spencer nodd" yeah but it's different I lov-" Spencer stopped himself.
"It's just different."
"You probably didn't notice bc you are focused on yourself and  your own grief. And there is no shame in that  you need to make sure you stay clean yourself. You can't help y/n if your having to many difficulties"

Alex turned the car on and they started the job.

Quickly followed by a call linking all the members of the team.
"Yeah garcia? Everyone csb hear you" Rossi said.

"I went to your house and it was empty so I went to y/n house but nothing. Their car is gone."

Author: sorry its been 5days. I'm not writing atm bc im in the middle of my exams. And next week I have graduation (hopefully of I pass) so I've been busy atm but I'll continue soon.