In love with my bestfriend(s)

036

Tw drugs, suicide (cutting)

*week passed, Emily funeral*

I feel like we've just been here.
I've been high constantly. I don't ever want to come down.

I dress myself and look in the mirror. My hair is a mess, and I cant seem to fix it. It's stupid but I broke down again. And left another voicemail.

"It's your funeral. And in fucking high" I cry while laughing.
"I'm a mess. My hair is a mess. I don't even know if I can do it. Of I can let your body down, 6 feet under. I can't look at your thumbstone. I- I need another snort." I let my phone on the ground and snort another line. Doesn't take long to kick in, so I became numb again.

I take my phone and the voicemail was still recording. "Staying High helps. Now I don't have to miss you. "

I ended the phone call and walked outside.
Spencer stood there, waiting for me.
"I can't fix my hair"  Spencer walked over and took out comb. Doesn't surprise me that he has one. He combs true it and puts my hair in a low bun.

"I didn't know about you and emily" he says looking down.
"Nobody did" I just step in the car. Not wanting to talk. I just wanted to feel the chemicals through my body. I never snorted such a Concentrated amount. It makes everything a little foggy.

"Y/n? Where here" I look around and see the graveyard.
We do the whole ceremony. Her body gets lower in the ground and everybody is leaving. But I stay. I see how her casket is lower. The High was ending again. I snort some using a tissue so nobody sees.

I can't help but stare at her headstone.
"How are you doing kid" Rossi comes next to me. The whole team stood behind me aswell.
"We didn't want to leave you alone so we came back" Penelope said to me.

I look back to the stone. "I don't feel anything" I say cold. Everytime a high ends, the feelings come back. And I just want to die...

I stand up and start to walk away.
"Where here for you y/n" jj followed me. "I don't need you guys. I need emily " I yell at them.

"Why don't we go to a meeting together?" Spencer asked.
"I'm fine. Thanks for the lift but I'll wall home now" I walked off back to my apartment.

My high was ending again. I can't live like this. I can't just keep getting high to forget her.

I left another voicemail. Crying.
"I can't do it anymore. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to anymore. I just want you. But I cant get you back.  So I'll join you. I'm sorry em"
I decided to text the group before I do anything. I cryingly texted them.

Doctor badass: im sorry. I love you guys.

I walk to the kitchen and grab a knife. My head was spinning with thoughts.
I roll up my sleeves. I thought to myself, how I was going to do it.

I slowly press the knife on my skin. It's sharp and makes a small cut. I thought to myself. I need to make it fast. I make a quick hamd movement and slice over my wrist. Blood pours out like a facet, next wrist. I drop the knife. Blood everywhere.

My body drops to the floor, I started to cry out in fear. My fromt door opend and there stood someone.
"Emily?" I cry out.
"Omg y/n " it wasn't emily. It was my neighbour. My sight goes blurry. Till everything stops.

After awhile I woke up in the hospital.  Atleast it smells like a hospital. I slowly open my eyes. Shit I'm alive. I look around and my wrist where band-aided. My body is sweating and ny heart rate is going fast. I need my drugs. Or rather I need to die.

I start to panic and want to get up. But a nurse ran in.
"No no lay back down" they put me back in bed.
"I need to get out of here. You can't hold me here" I yell and try to move. My arms hurt, my body is weak.

"We can hold you for 48 hours bc if suicide risk" the nurse explained.
"No no! I need my drugs I-" my heart rate goes up and the monitor starts beeping.

"You need to calm down before you go into cardiac arrest" he pushed some sort of liquid in the tube that's inside my arm.

My heart rate immediately slows down. But it also makes me tired.
"I need-" It was difficult for me to stay awake.

"What do you use" he asked.
"Coke" I fight to stay awake. I hope he gets it for me.
"Is there anyone I can call? A parent, partner, sponsors?" Sponsor?

"Noah" I said, she can't see mee. She's going to be so disappointed. But I cant stay awake long enough to tell him that.

I slowly woke up again. I felt someone run a wet towel over My face. It felt so soft. "Emily?" I ask. But when I open my eyes it wasn't her.
"No its me noah" damn it. I roll my face away from her.

"I thought you asked for me"
"I kind of did the opposite. If I could stay awake long enough" I whisperd the last part.

"I need to tell you something. When you called. I mean when the nurse called, I was In a meeting. With Spencer. Yk how good of a profiler he
is, so he followed me here" I turn to look at her in tears.
"He's outside, if you want to see him"
I nodd and noah walks outside.

I just want to see his pretty face.
He slowly walks in. I forget he had short hair now. I forgot him. I break down in tears.

He runs over with a hug.
"You can't leave me too"
"We've been so worried about you for the past 2 days"
I slowly let go of the hug.
"2 days?" I ask confused.

"Your attempt was 2 days ago. You've been in an out of concessions" noah explained.
"I don't want to do this anymore" I cry out.
"I know" Spencer layed next to me while noah took my hand.
"Your withdrawal are going to be hard-"

"No I don't want to be clean!" I yelled.
"I don't want to feel"
Spencer looks at me  shocked.
"You really loved her?" I nodd.

He looks down.
"I never told this but, I also love you y/n. Pls do it for me" he loves me? Do I love him? I liked him along with Emily.
I nodd at him.
"Does the team know?" I ask.
Spencer shakes his head.

"Y/n" noah said my name. I wipe my tears and look at her.
"When you get out of the hospital, your going to need help staying clean. So your going to need to stay with someone. Its not a good idea that you stay with Spencer, he needs to focus on his own sobriety. You can stay with me. Or you intrust someone"

But I don't want to stay clean.
"Fine, I'll call dave"
I'll have to stay clean for a few days. After that I can play pretend.