In love with my bestfriend(s)

032

Tw talk of john, and talk of rape

*few days passed*

I walk to my desk and see a box.
"Did any of you put this here?"
Everybody shook there head. I was sceptical at first but I fey to calk myself down by remember everything runs through security.

"What is it" jj came to look. I opend the box. "A video tape?" There was a note.

I miss us spending time together. Remember this?

Xxx -J

I was really confused. Besides jj I don't know anything who's name starts with a j. I know little jack. Never met him and he's too young.

"What's on it?" Spencer asked.
"I'm not sure"
"We can watch it in the conference room" Penelope joined.

The whole team followed.
"What are we doing?" Hotch and Derek asked. Penelope was setting it up.
"Y/n got a present so we're seeing what's on it" Penelope told them.

"Isn't this a private matter?" Rossi asked.
"Yeah but we want to know" jj said. I see emily looking a little jealous again. I like when she looks that way. I honestly have no idea who's it from tho.

"Okay everyone ready?" Penelope said before she pressed play.

I lost my air when i saw the first second. I saw that basement. With the camera pointed to me. I was sitting on the mattress, John unbuckele his belt.

"Stop the video!" Emilt yelled.
I couldn't look away from the screen.
"Stop it!!"
John put my body in an x position changing me to the mattress. His body pressed down on me so he could chain me up. I was kicking and trying to fight him of before he could touch me, when penelope managed to stop the video. If the video played 1 second longer they would have seen him undress me.

I stood there frozen, like I was when he raped me.
"Y/n?" I hear Emily's soft voice.
I look at the team. My eyes where watery so my vision was blurry. I say lines coming from the light. But I could tell that some of them had tears streaming down their face. Or just stand in uther shock.

I ran off. The second that video started I stopped breathing. I ran into the bathroom hyperventilating. I close the door of the stall and fall to my knees.
"Y/n? Sweetheart its me" I hear Emily's voice again.
I was balling my eyes out and banging my head against the wall.
Emily pushed the door open and held my face in her hands. "Don't do that. Don't Hurt yourself. Try to breath honey"
She gave me instructions and after awhile air filled my longs again.

"Why send that? Why now?"
I lean my head on her shoulders
"I don't know. But he's just trying to get in your head again. He wants to torture you, it's was sets him off. He send tapes to the police after the murders to taunt them. He probablyjust wants to get to you again"
I couldn't think like a profiler rn.

I stayed in her arms for a second.
"I need to take of my binder. I still can't breath"  emily closed the door of the stall and helped me take it off. The second it was off I stretch out my chest. I put on my shirt again.
"I have a comfortable bra in my bag can you get it pls" I didn't want to walk around the office without having a bra on.

Emily quickly got back and I got decent again.
"Are you okay to walk out? I can drive you home?" I stayed a little longer in the stall.
"Don't ever leave me" I held on to emily. She's the only one who makes me feel better after such moments.

We both walk out and I see Morgan talking to strauss.

"-probably because his execution is this week" I heard strauss say.
"What?" I didn't know he was getting executed. I knew he was on death row but I thought those things take longer...
"Are you okay, kiddo?" Rossi asked.
But I ignored him.
"Execution? What? When, i-?" I look to strauss.

"Y/n you should take some time off"
Derek spoke.
"Yea ill drive them" emily responded.
"No! Tell me about the execution Erin!" I was pissed, and triggerd? I wanted to use to forget. But I could never forget.

Strauss sighs. "He's getting executed this week in kentucky. Using electrocution"
I laughed. I can't help it.
"Sorry, its just that he electrocuted me causing me to have a ptsd attack which I Hadnt had in years. And now he's dying that way . HA. I'm so sorry" I put my hand before my mouth as the laugh turns to tears.

I turn around and gasp for air again.
"Let's go' emily walked me out to her. I put my headphones and she drove me to My apartment.
I just locked myself up In my bedroom and called my sponsor.

"Y/n? What's wrong?" She could tell by my breathing.
"That basterd put everything on tape" I cried out.
"What?"
"John! He send me a tape recording of my rape! I thought it was a present so the whole team watched how he chained me to a mattress and unbuckled his belt! I- they probably know now!" The tears dripped down my chin.
"Ever since I got clean I never wanted to use this bad"
"Okay let's talk about. Let's hold a meeting"

I continued to talk to noah.
"Hey your doing great. Just one week left and your 90 days clean. Called again if there is anything. Day or night. And don't be afraid to ask emily for help" I ended the call and crawled In bed. I tried to sleep but almost immediately woke up from a nightmare again.

I took out my laptop and phone trying to find out when John's executive takes place. I need to see him.
"Hey sweetheart are you okay?" I see emily standing in the door way. I slowly close my laptop, and just give her a smile.
"I can make food, what do you want?" She asked.
"Thanks em, but I'm not really hungry right now" she walks over and kisses my head before laying down next to me.
"After an hour or 2 your going to have to eat something babe, even if its just a banana"

I love it when she calls me babe. We're not official but I love her.
"Thanks" I give her a kiss and she gives me space.

I look up John ferno's execution, and see its open for visitors. I felt conflicted. Do I want to talk to him? Do I want him to talk?  Do I want to see him die? Can i handle it?

I needed another opinion, but I wasn't sure that emily would understand.

So I called up the team, individually.
First penelope.

P: hey sugar, you getting some sleep and rest?  I can come and bring cookies?
Y/n: thanks pen, but I eem I just had a question.
P: ask away, handsome.

I laugh at her calling me handsome. Turns out I prefer it.

Y/n: sorry if this might trigger something . But you where shot once and your parents killed. If one of those criminal went to death row. Would you want to talk to them? Would you go to the execution?

I hear a silence.

Y/n: im sorry I shouldn't have ask, I should have know this would bring up difficulties.

I wanted to ended the call but penelope stopped me.

P: no no don't hang up.
P: you asked for my help so I will help.
P: i think I would want answers. I'm not a profiler like you. I can't understand why they do it. I need to know that they had a bad upbringing or something, something to explain it. But sweetheart, if this is about John. He did more that just pull a trigger on a gun. He tortured you, and I don't want you to torture yourself when you go see him.

Y/n: but you would see him?
P: well that's just me pumpkin. Look after your mental health okay?

Y/n: I promise. And thanks pen, I know this must be hard to think about.

Next I called Spencer who was completely against it.  Derek wasn't a fan of it either. I close my phone and sigh.