In love with my bestfriend(s)

055

Tw talk about suicide

went home upset. Not many minutes later the doorbell rang.
It was Spencer. Ofc it is. I just outed our relationship.
I as soon as I open the door I say "I'm so sorry" I stood their waiting for his response. When it came, it was different than I expected. He hugged me? He held me, and it was everything I needed.

After the hug I let him in and made tea. We are probably going to have to talk about it.
"I didn't mean to out us I, I was just upset." I explained.
"I know. Its okay y/n. But you have to forgive emily. She had no choice. Doyle could have run after her" Spencer explained. Deep down I know he's right but I'm just so Hurt.

"I realise that. I just can't yet"
He nodds and holds me again. The tea was just finished.
"I'm really sorry." I say again. "It's okay y/n. Emily looked upset about it but, hotch already had a feeling so "
Emily was upset? So she still likes me?
I kind liked that feeling.

Spencer stayed over at my apartment.
"Oo look" I take something out a box, as decore for my apartment. I'm still making it my own.
"It's a female body candle, heheh" I say laughing. "It's very you" Spencer said. I think so too. We had dinner together and enjoyed our quit night.
We watched a show together when I got called.

"It's emily" I said. Seeing her call still feels unreal. The phone ringed i was unsure whether I should pic up.
Spencer gave me this look. "Don't be mad at her. Be glad she's back" but It feels so confusing. I grief3d her. I thought I was getting over her and now she's back and I still love her I think. But I'm also falling in love with Spencer. There I admitted it. I love him but we can't move forward as long as my feeling for emily exist. I mean now that Emily's back do I even want to go forward.

The phone was ringing and ringing but eventually I picked up.
"Hi" I said dry.
"Y/n" my body shivers at the way emily spoke. She's crying?
"Em are you okay?!" I tand up in distress. It wasnt like emily to be fully crying. I've seen her shed tears but not a full cry.
Spencer looked over In worry.
"I listened to your voicemails" she continued.
Ow.

So she didn't listen to them before? She didn't just sit their in Paris and listened to them while living her live?

O no. She knows everything now. How I broke for her. About every high, litterly and every low. About my attempts. She knows all of my thoughts. She heard words I don't even remember saying.
"Em i-" I tried to speak but she interupted

"I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm so sorry I had to lie" she was so Hurt. Anybody would be if they heard someone they live saying they are going to attempt or have tried...
"No im sorry you had to hear that" I didn't know what els to say.
"Are you alright" I followed up.

"I want to talk to you pls. I want to explain a few things" she said.
I sigh. She probably wants to talk about those messages aswell. I've been dreading this. The confrontation, with everything. How i feel about her.
"Hotch gave us a day off tomorrow. Cam we pls meet for coffee. Or at your apartment?" Emily continued. She wasn't crying anymore but I stil heared the emotion in her voice.

"Well I live somewhere else now but sure let's do coffee" we ended the phone call. Spencer heard everything and opend his arms. I let my body fall onto him. We both laugh a little.
"She heard everything " I say as my laugh faded.
"I know" he rubs my back. It always feels so warm when he does that.

I told him everything the voice messages contained back when I was in rehab but it different when someone heard it from the source itself. More raw. I feel so ashamed but also worried I hurt emily. I wanted to hurt her, yesterday I wanted to really bad but not in that way. I thought I wanted her to know what I've been through but this is to much. I wish I could take it back.

"Your spiralling aren't you?" I hear Spencer. But it takes me about 2 seconds to realise he spoke to me. "Y/n?" He repeats.

"Yea sorry I eem" I blink my eyes for a moment as I came back to reality.
I look at spencer and the TV. Right we were watching a show.

"What we're you overthinking about?" He asked.
I take my cup of tea and take a sip before wanting to answer.
"Oo shit that's cold" I say. I left it there. I forgot about it.
I get up to get something els to drink.
"About the voicemail thing and meeting emily tomorrow. It's weird. I still feel for her and she obviously for me. But I have you. And ofc the talk about the voicemails is going to be painful "

I walk back with my glass of water. I don't know if I should be more nervous about our talk or about the feelings involved.

I had Spencer a glass aswell.
"I trust you y/n. And for the record I really like you. Besides talking with emily might give you some clearens?"
Spencer said.

"Pshychology speaking it will help after a while but knowing Pshychology is better in theory." I day with a laugh. I feel like I have been myself in awhile. Haven't given any facts. No Pshychology knowledge. Spencer neither

" I did you know that The term 'psychology' has been derived from the Greek word 'psyche' translating as 'breath, spirit, soul' and 'logia' which corresponds to 'study of'" Spencer said.
I take back what I just said.
"Yes yes yes!" I say excited.
"Actually I didn't know. But yes!!" I repeat my exitment.

"I don't get it" Spencer said.
"We haven't been out nerdy selfs" I stand up since I felt the need to walk around. "Actually I wouldn't call myself nerdy but. We haven't said any facts lately. Only facts you said were case related and not as eleberate as usual. We used to do this thing were we told each back to back facts. I want to do that again plssss"

I could see Spencer smile light up. We talked about facts all night. Mostly pshychology. It felt great. Like how it used to be. I didn't think about tomorrow. I just sat and stood and walked...while telling facts and so did Spencer.