In love with my bestfriend(s)

053

* a month or 2 later*

"Goodmorning " I say as Spencer wakes up. We've been taking it slow, but Spencer slept over last night. In my apartment. I still can't believe they  did it for me. I payed the apartment back, now I still trying to pay back the rehab.

"Hi babe" Spencer said with his small eyes. He gives me a kiss on the cheek before looking for his glasses. We are officially dating. Just that dating. Nothing to real yet.

I still haven't been able to take off Emily's necklace, and the pain still Hurst it just feels different now.

But eventho I'm so in love with Spencer, the fear is there. That I will loose him like I lost her. So we take it slow. A small date when ever possible. Something comfortable. And no sex.

Its still something I fear. Yes emily and I had sex. But it took alot to get over the flash back of the rape. And I haven't had sex with a MAN since then. It feels different and I'm scared it's going to trigger it again.

I haven't explained it to Spencer. But I didn't have too. He isn't ready either.

I just got dressed in my self made crochet top, looking al masc before leaving to work. We went to interagte doyle. We just chatched him and his son is missing.

Everyone was in he conference room so i joined. The vibe was weird.
Is it about doyle? Did we find something ?

Jj and hotch stood infront.
"Whats up I ask"  Their faces look similar to when someone is about to tell you something bad, like a loved ones death.

Nobody responded

"Everything alright?" Derek asked.

Hotch began to speak. "7 months ago I made a descion that effected this team. As you all know emily lost alot of blood right after the fight with doyle. But the doctors where able to stablelise her-"

I heared nothing after that. I- jj told she died on the table. Wha-

"She was gives several identities none of which we had access to"
Hotch went on.

"She alive?" Penelope asked
Everything stopped. My lungs stopped breathing, everything stopped. Tears came out my eyes, I don't know what I just heard. I-i I saw her heart stop in that ambulance.
I held her when she was bleeding out.

I relapsed, I tried to kill myself in more ways that one all because the absence of her in my life. In everyone once life. And it was a lie.

My pain wasn't real?
All those voicemails I left?!

"Yeah I have a problem!" Derek yells. I snapped back. My vision was blurry.
But I needed to get away. I pull my hand away which was strongly gripped on both sides. By Spencer and penelope. I pull them away and try to find the door. But someone blocked it.

It was her... emily
She tries to move In for a hug but I step back. I couldn't hold it.
"Y/n pls" she said with tears in her eyes.

"NOOO" I pull of the necklace.
"You died! You left me!! I tried to join you! All I wanted was to  be with you again. I died for you. I was all alone" my lip are shivering as I yell.
"Noo!" I yell again. My legs felt weak and my tears felt warm. I step back again.
The broken necklace in my hand dropped to the ground as I walked out the other door without a single breath.

Once I got away i broke down. She alive?! My face pulled and pulled. My stomach hurt bc I couldn't breath. I was mad! I was hurt! But so confused.

An idea popped in my head again. Drugs.  But I couldn't.

I ran off to my car. Pressed my gas and left in a hurry. We buried her. Did we not?! I wasn't sure what was really.
I drove to the cemetery as tears fell down on my clothes. Red lines appeared on my face from all the crying.

I ran to her grave and saw her name. It made me cry even harder. What is real?!

I took my phone and called the only person I thought of. Dave.

"Moi bambino?! Is everything alright im-" I cut him of before he could say anything.
At first the words didn't come out, nothing came out. Just silent crying and trying to find air.

After some unrecognisable sounds I formed words.
"Part of me wants this to be real. That she's really alive, she's well and she's okay. But I'm so mad that the other part of me. The bigger part. The hurtful one. Wants you to tell me it was a dream and that her body lies here in the cemetery. That she didn't lie to me. That she didn't leave me to die for her?! Tell me it isn't real!!" Cries continued. My body fell down infront of her grave. I layed down on my side.  My hands and arms cover my face.

"I'm so sorry y/n" I heard rossi. Both on the phone and in the distance. I turned my head and I saw him running over the cemetery. I stretched My arm out for him. He followed me. As he gets to me he picks up my uper body and puts it on his lab . I turned my head into his chest and cried. I never stopped crying, until all tears were up. I yelled, but dave just held me. Combed my hair.

And when the crying was over. He carried me to the car. I'm broken. She broke me and left me behind.

I look back at all the words I have spoken to that empty grave. The voicemails I left to what I thought was a ghost. Did she listen to them?
But the reply question I'm asking is, does she still love me. And do I love her?