In love with my bestfriend(s)

026

Emily drove me to My apartment, I get in the shower again. I scrub my body, and feel blood down my thighs.
It reminded me of that day.
I get out the shower and put in a pad.

I walk out the emily.
"It started" I say with tears.
She gives me a water crane to put on my stomach and tucks me into bed. She lies next to me.
"What's going on in your head?" She asked me.
"Flashbacks. When I was jn the shower I saw blood dripping down. Just like-" I swallow.

"You can say it. Your a victim y/n"
I look at her.
"Don't make me say it" I tear escaped my eye again.
"I won't make you do anything"
"I'm tired" I turn away.
"I'll sleep in the guest room"
I take her hand.
"No. Pls stay?"
Emily lays against me

I close my eyes, it was difficult to sleep with the cramp. But eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up screaming bc of a nightmare.
"Y/n?!" Emily ran in. I breath heavily.
"Hey hey, he's not here. Your in your apartments I'm here"
I calmed down after awhile.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you up" I start crying and crawl in a ball.
"Shh it's okay, it's morning. I was already awake"

I let myself fall back and put a pillow on my head to hide my crying.
"Nightmare?" Emily asked.
"Every night, it's worse now that I'm trying to stay clean" I mumble under the pillow.

"Tell me about the nightmare" I pull the pillow away to cover my stomach.

I sit up straight. "Can I have another hot water crane first?" Emily nodds and after a little while she came back with one. After I changed into a clean padd. I sit back down and out the crane om my stomach.
Emily sits down next to me.

"I see him. Shooting my mom. With my own gun. Its like everything moves so slow. The sound of the shot keeps playing in my head. And her body colpasing. And next thing I see or feel is him-" I stop to take a moment.
"Talking about it is hard. But this is the first time you said anything. And I'm really proud of you"  I look at emily.
My phone went off she gave it to me.

"It's my sponsor"
I got a new sponsor here in quantico. She'd making me do 90 days 90 meetings.
"Y/n? Are you okay" She asked.
"I can't come to a meeting today. I know im doing 90 days, can I do it over the phone?" I ask her.

"Did you use?" She asked.
"No but I really want to rn" I brak down in years again. God all  I cam do is cry.
"Sorry I had to ask. I'll do a video call when the meeting is over. Try to talk this time. I'll call you back" she ended the phone call.

Emily looks at me.
"I made lunch. Actually rossi dropped some off."
"Emily?" She stopped before walking out.
"I don't want to the team to know about any of this"
"Ofc not. Don't tell anyone about my abortion either. Only Dave knows" I nodd at her. I could see dave was as much as a dad for her as he is for me.

She got me some of daves pasta and after I finished I started my meeting with my sponsor noah.

We started of saying our sobriety prayer. Eventho I don't believe, saying that prayer holds something.

"Since its only the 2 of us. Let's just talk, maybe you'll be more comfortable. So why weren't you at the meeting?" She asked.

"It has to do with why I relapsed. Well it's also new information but..  I'll try." She just nodds at me.
"So you know I'm an fbi agent. I was eem kidnapped by our unsube. And eem he killed my mom jnfront of me and held me hostage for 3 days"

It was really difficult for me to form those words. I talked very slowly and moved around alot.

"I don't want to go into detail but, I got pregnant. And I had an abortion yesterday. Technically I'm still having an abortion . Its just alot and I'm constantly reminded that he did this to me. And I want to use so badly"
I rub my eyes and walk away from the camera.

"Is someone there to help you?" She asked.
"Yeah, emily. She was with me at the abortion centre".

"So you told her?" She asked.
"I can't say the words. I just asked her to come to a doctors appointment. When I told her it was an abortion clinic she put2 and 2 together"
I slowly get back in frame.
"Im going to ask you to say it"
I look in terror.

"Let's try to build it up okay. You managed to admit to yourself that you were an addict. Now you need to admit this. Say 'I'm a victim '" Eventho the words sound so simple. It feels like I'm giving John all the power by admitting.

I look away.
"It's okay to admit that your a victim, just like your mom is a victim"
I sigh with tears streaking down my face.
"I thought you were my sponsor not my therapist"
I sigh again.
"My mom told me it was disgusting that I was queer. She didn't even Tey to say anything about the fact that I'm non binary. But she told me my dad was right to send me to a camp, that's what a few of her last words were"

"You are not disgusting y/n. And you already know how your mom was. You were a victim to her neglect, a victim to your fathers abuse. A victim in that camp. A victim to your ex. Just as you are now a victim of rape and torture" she said the word. The harsh but true word. Rape....

The word I couldn't say. The thing I can't admit.
"I hate that I was always a victim"
I admit it. Well sort off.

"Yes you were the victim to all of that. But you are more than just that"
Noah went on. For some reason it feels better to talk with her than go to therapy.

"I'm not sure that's true anymore" I lay on my side again.
"You can be more y/n. But to do that, you need to admit and accept what happend to you"
I want to be more.

"I...I am" I try to speak but its like my mouth is fighting against me.
"I.am.a.victim" I felt so heavy to say those words.
I get up and pace around the room.
"Let's call it for today. I'm really proud of you, you took the first step"
She ended the phone call.

And my feels take over.
I take my lamp and smash it on the ground. I scared myself with the sound. And fall back on the ground.
"Y/n!!" Emily came rushing in.

She saw me broken down on the ground. The sound of the glass shattering reminded me of the gun shot.
I cover my ears with my hands and my body shakes, emily walks over to me and I look at her in terror.
"It's okay, I'm here" the words she consistently repeats.

And I don't ever want her to go.