Inglorious Impostor Presents: The Astonisher's Return

I'm No Hero

[Distant voices are heard on a tropical island consisting of the following: soft golden sand, exotic trees, beautiful waterfalls (that consist of toxic substances and other pollutants), warm yet transparent and soothing waters, palm trees that attempt to greet your hand, and a seemingly endless ocean that meets with the horizon above as Rob is unconscious] "Dang! He's as burnt as toast!" "Dear Bob and Jésus rice!" "Ugh, he looks like the charcoal stones used in grills!" "This, ladies & gentlemen, not only is a piece of crap but is supposedly the savior of our nation and the All Rights Reserved guy to the treasure of El Dorado, or so the prophecy says. As per your horrified expressions, we shall go through a democratic process and vote like the southern white folks did during the Confederacy Era even though we're not American and somewhat civilized in terms of our hand-built society that depends solely on resources and people in order for it to properly function. Alright Derkas, by a show of hands, who would like to have this man executed?" The supposed dictator of the "Derkas¿" said lengthily. I stretch all of my bones and scream in pain "Ahem, AHHHHH!" And sigh like the Kool-Aid man, oh yeah. "Okay, majority rules. Execute this disgusting disgrace." Demanded the oppressive leader, who wasn't that far away from being both overthrown and Rob's skin color. "Wait!" Said a beautiful girl from the crowd with the exoticness of the various wildlife surrounding the island and the refreshingness of a cooled, molten, and intoxicated drink mixed with various fruits to produce its unique flavor. "What Uganda?!" Asked the leader. "The majority of votes came from men. That's sexist, isn't it?" Said Uganda, simply. "Yeah, so what?" "Do a re-vote so all the women can have a say," she proposed. "Guards, or whatever you call people who obey my orders 24/7 and protect me, take her away along with the er... The black guy is what we should call him, so we don't have to attend court for manslaughter." Lazily said the dictator. The guard takes them both to the dungeon in which Rob will once again be reunited with his true home. Ahh, clueless dictatorship. What a world, huh? Men especially, possibly including you, reader, or my facial hair.

Allow yourself a moment to sigh and imagine the current setting: a filthy dungeon, dimly-lit, poorly-built interior, and the disrespectful comments from the on-duty sentinels. Rob finally awakens from his mummy-like nap and tries to move. Shackles, duh. He then rests his eyes upon the girl who actually had the courage to defend his life. "And who might you be, madam?" Curiously inquired Rob. "I'm Uganda, UU for short." She said. "Hah! The double 'u' resembles a rack (if you know what I mean) and nice name gunshot456," Rob fantasized and randomly mentioned. "Stop being immature. You should, in fact, be thanking me for sparing your life." She explained. "I sincerely apologize and I appreciate your attempt in saving me. You're just attractive." Admitted Rob, trying to keep a straight face while smiling. "You're serious, right?" U asks. "I am. In fact, we should be partners in crime." Offered Rob. "I'll consider it." Obnoxiously guffawed Cinnamon or U. "Thanks. Anyway, I have experience with escaping. Do you want in?" He offered. "I'm capable of managing myself, thank you very much!" She said. "I'm not trying to be sexist, just offering, but it's your choice." Blacked Rob. "Thank you for respecting my decision. Anyway, it appears that you were in a prophecy that chose one person, in particular, to claim the lost treasure of El Dorado, that we Derkas currently possess, awaiting its rightful owner, which somehow is you. But unfortunately, through a majority of votes held by the oppressive dictator, he originally wanted to execute you due to your looks but in order to prevent another case, the dictator imprisoned you, therefore causing me to protest and come along with you," U said. "Wow! What a coincidence! I was actually given the task to find El Dorado by my schwig, Mitt Romney, mister for short, and he basically lost his mind and became an oppressive leader of my great nation, similar to yours! Although, I'm not aware of the backstory of this government." Said Rob, flashing his teeth. "You most likely were given a map that bore large letters on the backside consisting of the treasure's rightful owner. I know I'm right. There isn't, what your radiant color calls a government. It's actually a dictatorship. There's no name in particular that describes our screwed up, so-called nation of Wakka Derka." Cinnamon explained. "How similar are we? Anyhoo, I'm just gonna follow through with your plan since my erection in the brain is telling me to do so. Let's call it a night and think on it. You're an awesome gal. Good night." Said Cosby. They then chuckle the night away.