Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing on top of Blue Base.
Church: Let me get this straight.. You gave this guy our flag?
Caboose: Is that bad?
Church: Bad? Oh no, that’s not bad. Next time he comes over, why don’t you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?
Tucker: There, there he is.
Church: [looking through the sniper rifle] Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He’s sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
Tucker: He must be one smart son of a bitch.
Cut to Donut looking around the canyon.
Donut: Oh, man, I am so freakin’ lost. Where the hell is the base?
Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose.
Church: Oh, shit… Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It’s red.
Tucker: Oh man, that means it’s their Sergeant.
Church: Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.
Caboose: Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
Tucker: Yeah, okay, well let’s take him out then.
Church: Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge.
Cut to Donut as Church shoots four times but misses.
Donut: [crouching] Son of a bitch!
Cut to Church and Tucker.
Church: Aw crap.
Tucker: …
Church: [turns to Tucker] …What?
Tucker: You’re REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?
Church: [Turns away] Shut up.
Tucker: We should just leave the sniping to Rayner.
Cut to Donut.
Donut: [shouting at Blue Base while waving the flag] Hey! It’s me! Don’t shoot! I’m the guy that bought the flag, remember!?
Cut to Tucker.
Tucker: Oh great, now he’s taunting us. That’s just embarrassing.
Church: Alright, that’s it, I’ve had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we’ll head through the teleporter, we’ll cut him off at the pass.
Caboose: Right!
Church: Tucker, you ready? Let’s go.
Tucker: There is no way I’m going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don’t have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn’t work?
Tucker: I don’t know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn’t they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.
Church: Oh, so I guess that’s what this is all about then. You’re afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. [raising his gun at Tucker]
Tucker: You wouldn’t…
Church: You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
Tucker: For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren’t people.
Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.
Tucker: Crap… Alright. One, two…
Tucker runs through and doesn’t appear on the other side.
Caboose: …Huh, he didn’t come out the other side…
Church: Yeeaahhh, I’ve uh- I’ve decided I’m not gonna use the teleporter.
Church runs off the base to chase Donut.
Church: Okay, rookie, you stay here! I’ll be back with the flag!
Cut to Simmons and Grif.
Simmons: I still have no idea what you’re talking about. I didn’t hear any shots.
Grif: [sighs] I’m telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.
Simmons: Wait a second, that’s only three bams.
Grif: Bam. [sees Church through a sniper rifle] Wait a second, we’ve got a Blue guy on the move out there.
Simmons: Where’s he headed?
Grif: [looks to the left] Oh crap. It… It’s Donut. And he’s got something… [zooms in] It looks like… [sees that it’s the Blue’s flag]…Simmons, get the Warthog.
Simmons: Heh, you mean the Puma?
Grif: Yeah, keep making jokes. That’ll win the war.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
