Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00
Grif: Howh, just two minutes left.
Sarge: Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!
Simmons: I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.
Tucker: (hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon) What if we just beat on these window shutters together? We can get 'em open.
Rayner: (shoves Tucker aside and pulls out his Binary rifle) Move it Tucker. (shoots the window shutters)
Sarge: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
Tucker: (jumping up in the now open window) Yes! I can see daylight!
Rayner: Tucker boost me up.
Tucker: Fuck that. I want to go first!
Sarge: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.
Cut to the computer with Church
Computer: teleporter complete. slightly behind schedule.
Church: (with a white beard all the way to Tibet) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.
Computer: knock knock.
Church: Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?
Computer: yes. do you have a plan yet?
Church: I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.
Computer: and?
Church: Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.
Computer: (with a glaring typo) that's a given.
Church: And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.
Computer: because you secretly love her.
Church: Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.
Computer: sounds easy.
Church: Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.
Computer: ready to transport.
Church: Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.
Computer: it's gary. but thanks for asking. see you in a few hundred years.
Church with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Church with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot
Church: Computer, you've got to send me back!
Gary: to blood gulch? you just left.
Church: No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!
Gary: how?
Cut to Blood Gulch, with Sarge constructing Lopez's lower half
Grif: (in the Red Base) Hey Sarge!
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
