Red vs Blue : Mirage

Fair Competition

Fade in to Sarge talking to people.

Sarge: Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-

Simmons: The tank was real!

Sarge: And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-

Simmons: Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!

Donut: Over- huhem, ahuhh, (in a deeper voice now) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.

Sarge: We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Simmons: WHAT!?

Sarge: And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cuckooness, and since Grif is ineligible-

Grif: Or because I don't wanna compete?

Sarge: Because you're ineligible!

Grif: No, I just don't want to compete.

Sarge: Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!

Grif: (sigh) Whatever.

Donut: I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.

Sarge: Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.

Donut: Huh?

Sarge: We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.

Donut: Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!

Sarge: You will be competing against each other in a series of gruelling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!

Grif: I thought I was ineligible.

Sarge: To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

Simmons: Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

Sheila: I don't think so.

Simmons: Shut up, you ruined my life.

Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody?

Caboose: I think I will call him Crunchbite.

Andy: Eh, that's a stupid name.

Caboose: Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?

Church: Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!

Alien: Blargh!

Caboose: Stop! He is my friend.

Alien: Blargharg.

Church: Wait, he's already tied up?

Tex: Huh, would ya look at that. I guess he did do better than you Church.