Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing atop Red Base. Lopez is visible in the background.
Simmons: Hey.
Grif: Yeah?
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
Church possesses Lopez.
Lopez: Keegakergerk!
Simmons: What? What's wrong with Lopez?
They turn to look at him.
Grif: I don't care.
Simmons: Hey, Lopez, uh.. you okay, man?
Church as Lopez: Aye, muchachos, necesito darles...... un aviso...(Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...)
Church: ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! (What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!)
Simmons: Um... Sure...
Church: ¡No, no, escuchame! ¡La bruja los va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en el tanque! (No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!)
Cut to Tucker overlooking Tex and Rayner who are still working on the tank.
Tucker: Aw, crap. Caboose, they're almost done fixing Sheila. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.
Caboose: Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tuck-
Tucker: Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.
Caboose: Thanks, man. [turns on radio] Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.
Tucker: O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.
Caboose: I never said that, you guys did!
Tucker: Why didn't you correct us?
Caboose: Because I didn't want to be difficult. [turns on radio... again] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?
Church: [over radio] ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español! (Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!)
Caboose: ... [turns to Tucker] ...He says he wants to talk to you.
Cut to Sheila.
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
Rayner: Finished!
Tucker: Oh shit. We got trouble.
Cut back to Church [as Lopez] talking to Grif and Simmons.
Church: Un tanque... grrrande!
Grif: Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.
Sheila: [from a distance] Target locked.
Simmons: What country? We're on an alien planet.
Grif: What're you, a communist?
Sheila fires and hits the side of the Red Base.
Grif: Son of a bitch!
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Church: ¡MADRE DE DIOS! (SON OF A BITCH!)
Cut to Tucker talking to Caboose as he looks through the sniper rifle. Sheila can be heard firing in the background.
Tucker: Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.
Caboose: Church is getting mad at us.
Tucker: Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.
Cut to Sarge getting in the Warthog and driving it.
Sarge: Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons: Roger that.
Sheila fires.
Grif: I'll uh... I'll stay here.
Simmons: Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success.
Sarge skids near the base, Simmons hops on, and they take off.
Simmons: Alright, I'm on board.
Sarge: Alright, here's the plan-
Sheila fires and hits the rear passenger tire, blowing up the jeep and launching Sarge and Simmons.
Sarge: JUNEBUG!
Cut to Grif watching Sarge and Simmons come up the ramp.
Grif: Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?
Simmons: Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?
Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
Grif: [kneeling down next to Simmons] Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way.. The ramp is secure.
Cut to Sheila.
Sheila: Target locked. [fires]
Cut to the Reds. Donut emerges from inside the base.
Donut: Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!
Grif: That chick in the black armor's back!
Donut: What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?
Simmons: That's the one.
Donut: The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?
Grif: Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude.. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.
Donut: Ohho..! Oh, I've been waiting for this. [runs up to the edge of the base and yells] Hey, bitch! Remember me!? I saved somethin' for ya!
Donut throws a grenade. Grif and Simmons are shown following its arc, then Church, then finally Tucker, Rayner and Caboose.
Tucker: Man... that girl's got a really good arm.
The grenade lands right on Tex's chest inside the tank.
Tex: Aw, CRAP!
Rayner: ....I fucking called it.
Cut to Donut at the edge of the Red Base.
Donut: [yells, voice echoing] Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore!
The grenade explodes.
Church: ¡Dios mío, no! [runs out of the base toward Tex] ¡Tejas, Tejas!
Grif: Uh, where's Lopez going?
Sarge:To fight the enemy head on, in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.
Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?
Sarge: Naw... That would just ruin the moment.
Cut to Church over Tex's body.
Tex: Church, is that you? It-It's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...
Cut to Tucker, Rayner and Caboose on the ledge. Rayner walks off from the cliff. Tucker is watching the proceedings while Caboose is facing the cliff.
Tucker: Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base.
Caboose: I told you, my name isn't Caboose... [turns around and speaks in a deep voice] My name... is... O'Malley.
Rayner: *thoughts* There you go, C. You outlived her. Hope you're doin' alright.
Cuts to black.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
