Red vs Blue : Mirage

Got Your Back

Fade in to the spacehip.

Church: What the hell is that tapping noise? Sounds like Morris Code.

Simmons: Morse.

Church: Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Sheila: Ah huhah, sounds like fun. (trains her turret on them)

Church: Well what does it say?

Grif: It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.

Simmons: We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us.

Church: No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing nothing. Just like the last fifty times I interrupted you guys. Oh wai-wai-wait, listen listen! Listen, it says, "Red... sucks... balls." Hey, look my new ship can talk! And it knows things. That's a good ship.

Simmons: It's not your ship, it's our ship. We called it, and it came.

Church: I don't know, I don't see any markings on it.

Simmons: It landed on Donut!

Sheila: That was fantastic.

Church: How in the heck would that mean- oh wait, the pink guy? Oh, I actually liked him!

Grif: Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?

Simmons: You can't have the ship.

Church: I'm not asking for it: it's already mine. Right Sheila?

Sheila: Actually, I kind of like it. I think it is mine.

Church: Hey are you okay?

Simmons: (under his breath) I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Grif: Yeah, I noticed.

Simmons: I've got an idea.

Grif: Whoa, okay hold on a second. Before you get too deep in to this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to our plans and that tank.

Simmons: Come on Grif, I think the tank's malfunctioning.

Grif: Well only one part of it has to function for me to get turned in to a cloud of orange mist.

Church: Okay, just be cool.

Sheila: I am cool. You be cool.

Sarge: Bad news, fellas, I couldn't find that levitation ray, but I did find the remote control to- hey, what's goin' on out here?! Whaddaya think you're doing you lousy Blue?

Church: I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship.

Sarge: Dibs!

Grif and Simmons: Too late.

Sarge: Dangnabbit! Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? Everybody knows about the International Dibs Protocol! And the No Takebacks Accord.

Sheila starts driving off.

Church: See guys, this is our ship. And by ours, I mean mine, and my... eighty ton... ...friend.

Sheila: Bye everyone.

Church: Uh...

All the Reds cock their weapons and point them at the Church.

Church: I'm gonna be right back.

Sheila: Uh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Sarge: Hey Blue! You know that ship you called dibs on? Well I got next! Hah! Now the ship is mine again!

Simmons: Excellent strategy, Sir.

Grif: Jesus, remember when we used to solve problems with violence? Ah, the good ol' days.

Cut to Tucker and Caboose sprawled on the floor of Blue Base.

Church: Caboose, where's Rayner and Doc?

Caboose: They left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Church: Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

Caboose: We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

Church: Where's Tucker?

Caboose: Still in a coma.

Church: Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Rayner and Doc are babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

Church exits back the way he came.

Caboose: I'm fine by the way! Don't worry about me. ...I'm so cold.

Cut to Sarge in front of the ship.

Sarge: Quit yer yammerin'. Let's see if we can get this thing movin'. I was thinkin' about our discussion earlier, and a-

Simmons: And you decided to use one of my ideas?

Sarge: Course not! I've got a new much more realistic plan for lifting the ship. If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to the point where he can lift the ship and our work is done. Now quick, help me think. What would make Donut furious?

Grif: I don't know, have you tried sharing your plan with him? That'd probably do it.

Sarge: Hey Donut! I was back at the base reading some of your fashion mags - they said that pink is no longer the new black! Turns out black is the new black, and pink is the old black. Which is now white! And it's after Labor Day, you know what that means -

Grif: Oh dear God.

Sarge: Also we needed to do some minor rust repairs on the Warthog's drive train. The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were your imported hand creams! The good news is, the jeep now smells like lilacs. Rusty metal lilacs.

Grif: This has got to be th-

Sarge: This doesn't seem to be working. Alright, time for Plan B.

Simmons: Break in to the ship, and see if we can raise it-

Sarge: No, Plan B is to try to induce super powers in Grif. Simmons, get my jar of radioactive spiders out of the Warthog. Come here Grif, I need to borrow your neck.

A loud metallic creaking comes from the ship.

Grif: Did you just hear that?

Sarge: Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working! Quick Grif - get me a list of the latst celebrity break-ups! Simmons, help me out!

Simmons: Hey Donut! I hear they cancelled daytime television.

Sarge: Hey Donut! Command called. They rejected your new definition for fire in the hole. They're gonna stick with the old one.

Simmons: Oh Donut! I heard that the Winter Olympics is gonna focus even more on snowboarding next time.

Grif: I can't take this. I'm gonna go watch some football.

Sarge: Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot!

A/N: Fuck... God damnit man, I thought I had more time! Well shit, at this rate it'll be a fucking miracle if I'm able to get this season done before the year ends. Well, guess I'd better get back to it.