Red vs Blue : Mirage

Me, Myself and You

Church and Tex inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose and Tucker.

Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Mental image of Church appears behind Caboose

Mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck?!

Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!

Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

Mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)

Church: Fine, whatever.

Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: The reds? The reds are in here?

Mental image of Rayner appears behind Church.

Rayner: Of course they are. After all the shit we've been through with them I'd be more surprised if they weren't here.

Church: (jumps in surprise) Jesus fuck! (turns around) Nyuh great. Of course your here. So?

Rayner: So, what?

Church: What's Caboose's weird projection of you, huh? Are you like 'Ho ho! Church is great that I always demean him so that I feel better about myself!'.

Rayner: Nah man, I'm cool. Also, don't think I didn't notice you talking shit to me like that.

Church: Wait, so you're normal? How come you're normal here while everyone else is dumb as shit? That ain't fair!

Rayner: (smug) I guess my personality's just good enough the way it is. Oh, by the way, (hysterically laughing) AHAHAHA!! Church got pants'd in school!

Church: (embarrassed) You heard that!?

Rayner: (still chuckling) Ehehe, I'm Caboose's mental image, remember? Everything he hears I hear, hehe.

Church: (groans) Ugh great. The one time you're not here to mock me, you're still here to mock me.

Rayner: You best believe it, son.

Cut to the real world. Grif and Donut next to the sideways jeep

Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

Grif: (sighs) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: Oh God!

Cut to Lopez as well as Tucker driving Sheila heading towards the red base.

Tucker: Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, it must be this button.

Sheila: Do not touch that button.

Tucker: Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one.

Sheila: Do not touch me.

Tucker: You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive.

Cut back to the reds.

Grif: I cannot take anymore of this.

Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide. (he runs off)

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

Grif: (stops and looks off into the distance) Oh crap!

Pan to Lopez, Sheila and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep

Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! (makes creeped out noises)

Grif: Not now, rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

Donut: What?! (he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! (he runs around in circles)

Cut to the blues approaching.

Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila: Retard the throttle.

Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila: Retard the controller.

Tucker: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!

Sheila: The controller, retard!

Tucker: Hey that's kinda insulting. (Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base) Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.

Sheila: ...retard.