Red vs Blue : Mirage

Talk of the Town

Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow. (showing the title card: episode 69)

Fade in to Blue Base in the Gulch.

Rayner: Man, Sarge is heavier than I thought. Hey, blue guy, where's the hole you were talking about?

Church: What're you, blind? It's right there.

Rayner: Oh.

Simmons: Listen Donut, Church and Rayner thinks I'm a blue guy, so whatever you do, just pretend like you don't know me.

Donut: I don't know you.

Simmons: Yeah, just like that, good job.

Donut: No, I'm serious, I have no idea who you are.

Sarge's body falls down from the ceiling in the background..

Simmons: Okay, stop practicing, here they come.

Donut: So does that mean you're not gonna tell me who you are?

Simmons: Okay, that's a little too far, no-one's gonna buy that.

Church: Euh, you know we could have used some help new guy, thanks.

Rayner: We? I was the only one carrying him.

Simmons: (in a weird voice) I was just securing this prisoner. Which is interesting, considering that I have never met him before.

Church: Why is that interesting?

Simmons: (in the same weird voice) I don't know.

Church: ...Is something wrong with your voice?

Rayner: Yeah you sound wimpier than you already were.

Simmons: Oh I was just disguising it, so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me.

Donut: What?

Simmons: But he doesn't. Do you prisoner?

Donut: Um... no?

Simmons: Right. (whispering) Good job Donut.

Donut: Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?

Church: Well, okay, help us load these guys in the jeep before they wake up.

Rayner: Shotgun.

Simmons: Shotgu--fuck!

Rayner: Hehe, too slow dude.

Simmons: (sigh) Okay. Donut, grab the ankles.

Donut: Okie dokie. How's this?

Simmons: Sarge's ankles, Donut.

Cut to Crunchbite leading Tucker, Caboose and Tex through a tunnel of some sort.

Andy: Step it up guys, we're almost there.

Tucker: I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

Tex: I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

Caboose: Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

Tucker: Maybe he's trying to figure out what I taste like.

Andy: Hurry up ya idiots.

Tucker: Man, did it get a lot colder all of a sudden?

Andy: Of course it did. They don't call it the Great Freezin' Plains for nothin'.

Tucker: Whoa.

Caboose: I'm just glad I brought my mittens.

Tex: The snow is the least of our problems.

Andy: Why?

Tex: I assume we have to get in to that big temple base thing?

Andy: Yeah...

Tex: Well, it's got about two dozen guards on its walls.

Caboose: Oh no.

Tex: Yep. Doesn't look good.

Caboose: No no no, I mean I lost one of my mittens. Um... we have to go back.

Tucker: Caboose we've been walking for days. We're not goin' back for anything.

Tex: Suggestions Andy?

Andy: I say we let Tucker storm in and take 'em out in a mad rush, and while he's got 'em distracted, we finish the quest.

Tucker: On second thought, personal warmth is very important. Let's go get that mitten! It'll be like a mini-quest.

Tex: I think surprise is the key.

Andy: What ya thinkin'?

Tex: Let me take them out, one by one. They will never know what hit them.

Andy: Ya think you can kill 'em all without alerting the rest?

Tex: Just watch me.

Tex turns invisible using her cloaking ability.

Andy: How can I watch ya, you just turned invisible.

Tucker: And yet, I was still able to check out her ass. That's why I'm a pro.

Cut back to the Gulch, where Rayner, Church and Simmons are dropping off the Reds in front of their base.

Church: Okay, Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

Donut: Well what do I tell them?

Church: I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

Donut: I always did wanna be a hero... and a liar.

Church: Well then, it's your lucky day.

Donut: Don't you want anything?

Church: Like what?

Donut: Well, every time someone surrenders they take somethin'. Like when we took the medic, and you guys took Grif's dignity.

Simmons: Hyeah, like that ever existed. Uhhh, I mean, which one is Grif? Is he the yellow one?

Donut: And this time you guys don't want anything?

Church: Well, technically you're not surrendering. This is what we call in the Military, a "total asskicking."

Rayner: Oh, and also, we're taking your car.

Donut: What? You're leaving us out here, without any transportation? We'll die!

Rayner: Die of what, boredom? Don't you have anything else to do besides riding this Jeep?

Donut: Exposure! We're stranded! This is murder.

Church: Your base is right there, I can see it.

Donut: You may as well just feed us to the buzzards right now!

Church: You could have walked back to the base in the time we've been discussing this.

Donut: Go. Just sign our death warrants.

Sarge: Rrouw. Gourough. What's goin' on?

Church: Hey, take care o' that guy.

Simmons: (whispering) Sorry about this Sarge, but look at it this way, you were right; this does hurt you more than me.

Sarge: Is that you, Simmo- (smacked in the head) goh, knocked out again.