Fade in to Blue Base.
Church enters as thumping sounds are audible within.
Church: Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?
Doc: Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting.
Church: Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Doc: That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.
Baby Alien: Blarrrrrrg.
Doc: He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church: Tucker... fed... the baby? Gross.
Doc: Actually, Rayner and Caboose were kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.
Rayner: Uooogh... *thunk* hey... calm down there... little... guy. Haaaaah...
Church: Okay, I can get Rayner, but how'd you get Caboose to agree to that?
Doc: It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Baby Alien: Blarg honk, honk!
Rayner: Aaaah... stop squirming... you... I might... accidentally drop... yo–wahaaaa! *crash*
Church: He hates needles.
Doc: No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!
Caboose emerges behind Doc.
Doc: It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
Caboose: I feel dizzy!
Church: Um, are they gonna be okay?
Doc: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go from each of them. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.
Caboose: (looking around randomly) Oooooh...
Doc: Anyway blood is pretty important, so they're bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-
Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
Caboose collapses in a heap.
Doc: Or passing out.
Caboose: Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.
Baby Alien: Blargblargblargblargblargblarg!
Rayner: Owww... stop... it... I don't have anymore... blood...
Church: How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?
Doc: Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma.
Church: Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this.
Caboose: I can't feel my torso.
Doc: I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.
Church: Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.
Doc: Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.
Rayner: Ugh, Doc... don't let Church in...
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
