Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base looking down at Sarge as he approaches the upside down Warthog.
Grif: Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?
Simmons: Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get into the damn thing it breaks, (Donut stands next to Simmons) or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.
Donut: Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles. No wait, wait! A big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.
Cut to Church next to Sheila who is sending off sparks.
Church: Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free.
Caboose: (whispering to Tucker) I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.
Tucker: Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on Caboose.
Caboose: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?!
Tucker: Why would we trick you?
Caboose: Oh, I think you know.
Lopez: ¿Dónde voy a ir? Mis amigos querían matarme. [Where will I go? Even my friends have tried to kill me.]
Church: Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes and let you get busy with the tank fixing.
Lopez: No tengo hogar. [I have no home.]
Cut to the Reds gathered around the Warthog. Pan up to Grif on top of it looking through a sniper rifle.
Grif: Aw crap. Hey, uh, they got a guy fixing their tank.
Sarge: Impossible! Our Intelligence clearly states-
Donut: We have intelligence?
Sarge: -that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead Freelancer, the white striped blue who left the canyon, and Lopez. Oh wait a minute!
Simmons: Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue Team?
Sarge: Yes, Simmons, I am. Quite obviously, the Blue Team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!
Grif: (hops off the Warthog) Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.
Donut: Or maybe that Blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost, and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.
Grif, Simmons, and Sarge: ...
Simmons: I think I like the ray beam idea better.
Grif: Yeah-heh, rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.
Cut to the Blues watching Lopez fix Sheila. Caboose is hopping up and down.
Caboose: Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! (stops hopping) So that I can say hello to Sheila.
O'Malley: (closeup of Caboose's visor) And start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds, right?
Caboose: (perky) Of course!
O'Malley: For starters...
Tucker: God, I wish Rayner was still here.
Church: Come on, how much longer, Lopez?
Lopez: Completo. (steps off as the tank starts)
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
Caboose: Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!
Sheila: Hello, Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.
Tucker: He didn't fix you. Our robot did it.
O'Malley: Don't cock block me!
Tucker: Dude, come on.
Sheila: Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot.
Lopez and Sheila slowly make eye contact, romantic harp music plays.
Caboose: I don't like where this is going.
Sheila: Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808V Main Battle Tank.
Lopez: Y yo soy López, el Pesado. [And I am Lopez, the heavy.]
Sheila: Lopez, what a nice name for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills.
Caboose: Umm, yes! Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to go AWAY.
Tucker: Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fucking body back?
Church: Roger that.
Lopez: No! Heauegerkergerk! [No! Heauegerkergerk!] (Lopez's body twitches as Church enters it)
Tucker: You okay in there, Church? Church, hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?
Church: (reappears) What the-? That wasn't me. What the hell's going on here?
Tex: (possessing Lopez) Well, buenos dias, cockbites. Guess who's back?
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
