Fade in to the Blues.
Tucker: You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.
Caboose: I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that.
Andy: Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me.
Tucker: If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this.
Andy: What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?
Church: Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device.
Tex: I agree.
Church: I wasn't talking about you Tex.
Tex: Hey, why don't you suck my-
Rayner: Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?
Church: Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it.
Rayner: Oh. That's not good.
Andy: I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And no one did ask me which I find insulting!
Church: Alright, alright, calm down Andy, calm down.
Andy: Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!
Church: Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown.
Andy: (under Church) Look at me! I'm calm!
Caboose: Andy, everyone here is your friend. And no one wants to hurt you.
Andy: Yeah right.
Caboose: Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?
Andy: Being in the middle of a huge explosion!
Church: Less happy place Caboose, less happy place!
Caboose: Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-
Tex, Rayner and Tucker: NO!
Church: (at the same time) Duck!
Cut to the Reds, Simmons in the Warthog and Grif next to it
Simmons: Okay. I'm ninety-five percent certain that the distress signal is coming from that way.
Sarge: Excellent work Simmons. Alright men... and Grif. Let's get ready to roll.
Grif: Only ninety-five percent certain?
Simmons: Grif, if there's one thing that I've learned in working with you, it's that there's always margin for error.
Sarge: Excellent comeback Simmons. That's a burn.
Simmons: Thank you Sir.
Grif: Har har. Look who's so smart. It's pronounced margarine dumbass.
Simmons: Seriously, if I ever meet the guy that assigned you to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.
Grif: Well if you're ninety-five percent certain it's that way, which way's the other five percent?
Simmons: Whaddaya think, all the other directions.
Grif: Then I think that's the way we should go.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
