Red vs Blue : Mirage

Down, but not Out

Grif: [heard in distance] Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

Fade in to Blue Base. Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle and Rayner is looking through his binary rifle.

Caboose: Man... He is really kicking their asses.

Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle? And Rayner, what kinda gun is that?

Rayner: Oh this? It's a binary rifle.

Tucker: Where'd you get that?

Rayner: Found it somewhere.

Tucker: This is bullshit. How come I'm the only one that doesn't have something cool to show?

Caboose: [lowers the rifle] I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Caboose: Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Rayner: [lowers his rifle] Been getting a lotta peace and quiet lately, hopefully it stays that way.

Tucker: [to Caboose] It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

Caboose: Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?

Caboose: [raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base] Yeah.

Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears.

Male Game Voice: Blue Team, flag returned.

Tucker: What the...? Who said that?

Church: [clears throat] Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

Rayner: Aaand I spoke to soon.

Caboose: Hey, it's Church!

Church: Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.

Caboose: [peppy] Hey, Church, what're you up to?

Church: Caboose, [laughs] ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker: Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

Church: Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

Tucker: I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the sto–

Rayner: She's at red base. C'mon, Tucker, that shit acting ain't fooling nobody.

Church: Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose: [clueless] That Sidewinder is cold..!?

Church: [grunts] What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

Tucker: Not to let him get involved?

Church: Right. And what did you do?

Tucker: ..We let him get involved.

Church: And not just a little involved. How involved?

Caboose: Very, very involved.

Rayner: Y'know, this isn't really our fault. Command's the one that hire her to get involved.

Tucker: Yeah! What, were you expecting us to stop him? I ain't to keen getting beaten to death with my own skull.

Church: [grumbling while looking away] Fuck you guys.

Cut to Tex in the Red Base.

Sarge: [emerging from the left] Freeze.

Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in.

Sarge: Drop your weapon.

Tex: [drops the gun] Hey, buddy.

Sarge: What.

Tex: You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out. Cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet.

Grif: Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

Simmons: [stands up from tending to Donut] He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

Grif: Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-

Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif: Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

Grif: Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. [runs down the ramp]

Simmons: Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base.

Caboose: Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... [inhales sharply as he has an epiphany] Or captured AND dead!

Rayner is looking through his binary rifle at the Red Base.

Rayner: [smug] Beaten by a bunch of red guys. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Church: [sarcastic] Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

Tucker: What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.

Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

Caboose: She?

Rayner: [turns to the guys] So now you noticed when he said it.

Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present.

Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! [turns to Tex] Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back. There's a brief sound like a distorted voice.

Tex: [now sounding female] Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Fade to black. There's a moment of silence.

Tex: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?