Red vs Blue : Mirage

Last Words

The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

Cut to Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.

Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

Cut to the Warthog and Sarge.

Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Simmons: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two–

Caboose: Oh, oh, let me help! (tries to help)

Rayner: Caboose! Don't–!

Caboose accidentally pushes Tucker's hand, making him yank both wires out.

Tucker: Oh oh.

Caboose: Tucker did it.

The beeping noise stops.

Church: ... hey, I think it worked. Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

Cut to the Warthog which stops firing.

Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Cut to the Blues.

Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Rayner: Yeah, and I've never seen a grown man throwing temper tantrums like a five year old before.

Church: Okay first, I already told you: that was for science. Second, fuck you Rayner.

Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (accidentally rams Sarge again)

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...Really?

Grif and Simmons: Get out!

Cut to the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires. Rayner is surveying the canyon with his binary rifle.

Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base.

Rayner: (puts binary rifle away) Heads up, guys. Red incoming.

Church: ( ignores Rayner) Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Rayner: ....Dumbass.

Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to- (sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church) What the hell are you guys doing!?

Rayner: (to the reds) This is exactly what you guys are thinking.