Red vs Blue : Mirage

Roomier Than it Looks

Tucker comes out of the teleporter with black armor on.

Church: Are you okay, Tucker?

Tucker: Yeah, I’m fine. [runs up to the top of a nearby hill] Come on, Caboose!

Caboose: [on top of the base] Does it hurt?!

Tucker: No, not at all!

Caboose: Okay! Here I come!

Church: Does it hurt for real?

Tucker: Ohh, yeah. Big time.

Church and Tucker turn towards the teleporter.

Caboose: [emerging from the teleporter in black armor] Owwwchie. [turns to Tucker] You lied to me.

Rayner: …yeah, no. I’ll go get it another way. [turns around and walks into the Base]

Church: Hey, come on! Just jump i
n the teleporter real quick and get it over with! [Rayner ignores him] Pussy.

Cut to Sarge on top of Red Base.

Sarge: Ah, dammit. Lopez, c’mere. Do you see something out there?

Lopez looks through a sniper rifle, then turns to Sarge and lowers his head. Camera pans down to Grif and Simmons inside the base.

Simmons: There’s no L in it, it’s pronounced both.

Grif: That’s what I’m saying. Bolth.

Simmons: Both.

Grif: You sound like such an ass the way you say it.

Sarge: Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.
Grif: As in… more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

Simmons: BOTH.

Grif: Seriously, man, like an ass.

Sarge: Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don’t you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system – have her guard herself.

Grif: Good point, sir.

Sarge: YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spraypaint the bull’s-eye on your back… Ah, by bull’s-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.

Grif: Yeah… [sighs] I’ll be right up.

Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle.

Church: Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church. It’s working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.

Cut to Caboose and Tucker hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio.

Tucker: Roger that.

Caboose: Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that.. Is that Church?

Church: Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.

Caboose: [speaking over Church, drowning him out] Tell him, that I.. that I said.. for me to say hi..?

Tucker: Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I’m on the radio.
Cut to Church.

Church: I said, just keep movin-

Tucker: [over radio] I’m not yelling, I’m just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. …No, I’ll tell him you said “hi” later. No, you can’t talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

Church: [severs the connection] Oh my god. I can’t believe I actually died for this war.

Cut to Grif looking through a sniper rifle. Church can be seen running through the background towards Red Base.

Grif: I don’t see any- [sees Caboose running across the Gulch] Uh oh. Yep, there’s one. [Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it] …Why is he just standing there?

Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock.

Tucker:Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

Caboose: They can’t see me. I can’t see them!

Tucker: That’s because you’re facing the rock.

Caboose: [looks at the base] Oh. Right. [ducks behind the rock]

Tucker: Real smooth, dipshit.[Rayner walks to Tucker’s side in black armor]

Rayner: Alright, noobs. This is how you do it. [holds up his binary rifle]
Tucker and Caboose turn to Rayner.

Tucker: Dude, where’d you get that black paint?

Rayner: Oh, uh, found some spray paint. Yeah, it ran out though.[aims his rifle at Red Base]

Cut to Grif and Sarge on Red Base.

Grif: [looking through his sniper] Four of them!? And is that one holding a– [gets shot in the knee] Agghh!! Son of a bitch!

Sarge: …Okay, not quite Special Ops. Cause if they had been they wouldn’t have missed your head Gri– (Church enters Sarge’s body) Wa-kika-herger!

Grif: [in pain] Sarge!?

Church as Sarge: Uh, who-wha-what do you want, Red?

Grif: [grunting] I just got shot in the knee! I. Need. Help!

Church: Oh, uh, I think… there’s some medkits in the base… somewhere. Just go get it. I’m gonna check in on the prisoner.[walks into the Base]

Grif turns to Lopez, who stares at him.

Grif: … please?

Lopez turns around and runs off.

Grif: ... Oh, fuckberries.

Cut to Caboose, Tucker and Rayner crouching down.

Tucker: Holy shit! Nice shot.

Rayner: [smug] Hmph. Expect no less from a master marksman such as my self.

Tucker: Then why didn’t  you just shoot his head?

Rayner: [shrugs] Eh, don’t  really feel like killing anybody.
Caboose: Hey, guys?

Tucker: [to Caboose] What?
Caboose: I’m having a really good time… with… you guys.

Tucker: [annoyed] That’s great, Caboose.

Caboose: Yeah, it’s like we’re real soldiers.

Tucker: Would you please go hide behind another rock?

Cut to Church as Sarge running down to where Tex and Simmons are.

Church: Hey, man. What’s up, yo?
Simmons: Uh… hey…? What’s going on out there, sir?

Church: What’s, uh.. why nothin’. Why would you ask if somethin’s wrong?

Simmons: I think that’s a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Church: Yeah, well, I don’t know. You’re starting to act kinda suspicious there ..other Red guy. So I’ma keep my eye on you.

Simmons: [turning around to face Tex] Sarge, I’m starting to think that-
Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down.
Simmons: Ow, geez, the back of my head!

Tex: What the hell are you doing!?
Church: Tex! It’s me, Church! I’ve come to rescue you.

Tex: You’re kind of short to be Church.

Church: What? Oh yeah, right. The armor.

Church leaves Sarge.

Sarge: Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where am I?

Church: Tex, there’s not much time to explain, so I’m just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I’m a spirit now, and I’m trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter.

Tex: …Okay.

Church: What? That’s it? Okay? You’re not surprised by any of this?

Tex: No. It pretty much all makes sense.

Church: Not even the whole “Church is a ghost” thing? That didn’t do anything for ya?

Tex: I can see right through you, it’s pretty obvious…

Church: Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we’ll get outta here.

Sarge: [as Church re-enters him] Huuurk!

Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle, with Rayner and Tucker near him.

Tucker: What’re you doing?

Caboose: One of the Reds has Tex. I’m going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.

Tucker: Oh, come on. You don’t actually believe any of that, do you?

Caboose: [taking aim on Sarge’s head] Ohhh, we’re gonna be best friends.

Rayner: Let’s see where this goes.

Cut to Church as Sarge, and Tex, outside the Red Base.

Church: Alright, I’ll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One… Two… Thre-!

Caboose shoots Sarge in the head, and his body falls down.

Church: What the? Where did my body go!? Oh, you’ve gotta be KIDDING me!

Caboose: Tucker did it!