Red vs Blue : Mirage

Sweet Ride

The Warthog faces the Reds and Doc.

Simmons: Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.

Sarge: Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless... (turns to Donut) Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin' with my robot?

Donut: What're you asking me for?

Grif: So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?

Sarge: Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.

Cut to Church, Rayner, Tucker, and Caboose standing on top of Blue Base, a beeping noise is heard very faintly in the background.

Church: There, you hear that?

Rayner: Yup.

Tucker: Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

Rayner: Wha...?

Church: No, it's just like this constant "beep beep beep" noise.

Tucker: Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything.

Church: Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

Tucker: No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.

Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.

Caboose: All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us.

Church, Rayner and Tucker: ...

Caboose: Wait, you guys don't hear that?

Rayner: *thought* Okay, yeah, it's definitely him in there.

Church: Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.

Camera zooms to the Warthog with Church's words "going to drive me crazy.. drive me crazy.." echoing in the background.

Warthog: (emits a series of beeps like the beginning of a dial-up connection) Drive.

Sarge: Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.

The Warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him. He lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him

Donut: Hey, he's taking the jeep!

Doc: Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!

Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

Simmons: Hey, Sarge, new rule. (camera shows the Reds watching the Warthog drive off into the middle of the canyon) How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still present.

Caboose: I see a switch down here. (whispers loudly) It's not very big.

Rayner: We know.

Tucker: Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

Church: Wait, stop.

Warthog: (in background, in the middle of the canyon, emits its series of beeps) Stop. (stops moving)

Church: Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?

Caboose: Uhhhhhhh...

Church: Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.

Warthog: Turn around. (starts turning around)

Caboose: (a small metallic noise is heard) Oops. (there's the sound of electricity) It broke itself.

Church: Ugh!

Cut to the Warthog as it finishes turning, now facing the Reds.

Doc: Oh man, what now?

Cut to a close up of the Reds.

Grif: That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty. (Donut starts backing up)

Cut to the Blues. Tucker and Rayner are kneeling next to Church.

Tucker: Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

Rayner: It looks like the green wire connects to the leg rotor.

Tucker: What about the red one?

Rayner: It seems to go from the switch up to the upper torso.

Church: Then just grab that and yank it out real quick.

Rayner: I don't know, Church. We might pull out something important if we're not careful.

Caboose: Church, if we pick the wrong one.. (whispers) You could explode.

Church: I don't care, look, just follow the red one.

Cut to the Warthog.

Warthog: Acquire target: red.

Grif: Uh, Sarge, y-you, you may wanna start running. (Donut and Simmons back away) Now. (backs away also)

Sarge: Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling again.

Tucker: Alright, I'm gonna take out the red one, okay Church?

Church: Yeah, just pull it. Take out the red one.

Cut to the Warthog ramming Sarge into the wall of Red Base.

Sarge: Oh, I'm pinned!

Warthog: (emits dial-up noise again) Eliminate red target. (the turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)

Grif: You're gonna kill him!

Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!