Red vs Blue : Mirage

The Joy of Toggling

Camera pans down to Doc and Grif talking outside Red Base.

Doc: So he was shot in the head...

Grif: Right.

Doc: ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

Grif: Exactly.

Doc: Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

Grif: That's what I said.

Doc: Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

Grif: Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.

Sarge: Grif! Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

Grif: Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Simmons: Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Grif: Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.

Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

Simmons: Oh shut up, your armor's pink.

Doc: Uh, hey, guys? I-I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it. (to Grif) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Grif: ...

Doc: It's only because no one likes you.

Grif: ...

Doc: Stop staring at me.

Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then ends on Church, Rayner and Tucker behind Blue Base.

Tucker: (to Rayner) So you still don't wanna fix the tank?

Rayner: Dude, that tank already blew up two times in the span of a few days of it arriving here. I think it's just bad omen being near that tank.

Tucker: C'mon man, I get stood up by tons of women and I don't think of it as an omen.

Church: Surprising no one.

Tucker: (to Church) How about you, Church? If your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

Church: Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. (clears throat) Alright. Stand back. (Tucker takes a step back) Huhrur...! Heeungh...! Hoom...!

Tucker: Anything?

Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.

Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...

Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Huroor...! Oh! Hey!

Tucker: Found it?

Church: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

Tucker:What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing. (as Tucker talks, Caboose passes through the entrance of the base)

Church: Celsius, Tucker.

Tucker: Oh come on, dude, Celsius sucks.

Rayner: Yeah, man. Everybody knows Fahrenheit is better.

Tucker: (kneels down and looks at Church) Hey, I found something.

Church: Oh yeah? You found a button?

Tucker: Naw dude, it's more like a ..switch.

Rayner: (looks at the switch) It's so small you can almost miss it.

Church: Well, give it a flip.

Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.

Church: What's the problem?

Tucker: It's in a weird place.

Church: Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

Tucker: You flip it.

Church: These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.

Tucker: (to Rayner) How about yo–
Rayner: (interrupts) Fat chance.

Tucker: (turns to Caboose) What about Caboose?

Church: Oh man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

Tucker: Oh man...

Church: C'm-Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.

Tucker: (kneels down and tries to flip the switch) It won't move, it's stuck.

Church: Did you try wiggling it?

Tucker: No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

Church: Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

Tucker kneels back down.

Church: ... So, you from around here, baby?

Rayner: (laughing) Hehehehe.

Tucker: Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.

Church: Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Tucker: I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

Church: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Rayner: Yeah, I think she would sooner rip his head off before she would do that.

Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch and a beeping noise starts.

Tucker: There! Anything?

Church: Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

Cut to the Reds.

Sarge: Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume.

Simmons: Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

Donut: How 'bout we, um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us? That would show him.

The Warthog's headlights flash in time with the beeping

Warthog: (voice is warbled and slurred) Warthog online. (the headlights flash once and remain on, and the voice is now up to speed) Homing beacon activated.

Donut: Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?

Sarge: Uh oh.